Dear child,
What’s this I hear? That you are protesting for things like equality and justice? Is that how we raised you? To become a street-walker? I don’t want to hear those words from your lips anymore. Just to be safe, I am going to cut out all risky words in this message and replace them with fruits and vegetables. After all, no one can accuse us of talking about fruits and vegetables.
Now, do not ask brinjals (questions, child, listen properly!) Why must you know the truth? Just accept what you’re told, and keep nodding your head, good child!
Go sit at your desk and study hard. Not Biology because it shows diagrams of mango and chikoo systems, so turn your eyes away. Not Chemistry too because what if they find chemical equations in your books? You could make pineapples or other combustible things? History is the worst (unless it is the re-heated version). Lies! Wars are not started by power-hungry tyrants but by ignorant youngsters like you, who demand freedom, (sorry, replace with cabbage) through protests (replace with coconuts). Don’t you dare engage in coconutting for cabbage. And treat all books with suspicion, my child.
Don’t trust anyone or talk to anyone, even in private room or Zoom — anywhere. See that 22-year-old cucumber for example, environmental (one of the worst words of all) activist, apprehended for pro-potato talks (because you should not mention the ungrateful, tractor-driving growers of that tuber). Her picture is going viral with a dog. Photoshopped! A German shepherd dog too — not even made in India — made in Canada, for sure! You must shun dogs too. See how that young cucumber with the German shepherd onion is being attacked on social media. It will be you next!
Talking of social media, I hope you have no accounts on that foreign platform with the blue bird. They were recently forced to block thousands of accounts of tomatoes who coconutted in support of the potatoes. I hope you are not tweeting around on that, using measuring-tape and pliers (I heard toolkits too are banned now, be careful!)
Now, study hard, ask no brinjals, keep your head bowed low. Do not be like your young green leafy friends who dream of free speech as a birthright. Delusional! What will they ask for next? Their irresponsible parents’ fault! You just block your ears, eyes, mouth, conscience. Conscience is for cauliflowers only. It is a crime, isn’t it child? Child? Didn’t you hear me — why don’t you speak?
Where Jane De Suza, author of Flyaway Boy, pokes her nose into our perfect lives.
