Dear Mr. Dad: My former wife got remarried and had a baby not long after we got divorced. I was happy for her and tried to be as supportive as possible, but her husband isn't making that easy, and the two of them are cutting into my time with my daughter and seem to be trying to cut me out of her life altogether. To start with, he's been having my daughter call him "dad," which infuriates me, and my daughter tells me that he's saying all sorts of bad things about me. Even though my ex and I have joint legal and physical custody, they pulled my daughter out of the school she was in _ without getting my permission _ and enrolled her somewhere else. They pick her up from school on days when I'm supposed to pick her up, and they've taken trips on weekends when she's supposed to be with me. The stepdad also goes to a lot of my daughter's sporting events. I'd be OK with that except that every time he sees me, he gets in my face and has even threatened to "punch your lights out." For my daughter's sake, I've been trying to remain calm, but I'm not sure how long I can keep that up. What should I do?
A: This sounds like an absolutely unsustainable situation. Your ex's new husband is clearly a jerk. But where is she in all of this? I find it hard to believe that she doesn't know exactly what's going on, and her lack of response indicates that she's either actively encouraging her husband or at least not telling him to stop, which is almost the same thing.
The "remaining calm" part of what you're doing is the right approach. But you need to start being a lot more proactive, right now. Begin by thoroughly documenting every incident like the ones you've described. Take pictures and videos and, whenever possible, get a written statement from a witness.
Next, talk to your lawyer and find out what your legal options are. If you don't have a lawyer, get one. Many judges these days are taking a hard stance toward parents (and step-parents) who put their own needs before the kids' or who attempt to turn a child against the other parent. Trying to get your daughter to call him "dad," badmouthing you, threatening you at sporting events, switching schools and interfering with your time with your daughter are behaviors that could be grounds to give you sole custody if you decided to pursue it (which, in my opinion, should only be a last resort).
No matter what happens, do everything you can to keep your cool. If you swear at the stepdad, respond to his threats with threats of your own or decide to pre-emptively punch his lights out, he and your ex will be overjoyed because you'll have given them all the ammunition they need to have you declared a bad or unfit parent.
From what you write, I have a feeling that you're a guy who wants to do the right thing, so I have no doubt that you'll come out of this OK. So don't give up and don't do anything stupid. And remember this: Your daughter may not say anything, but she knows exactly what her mom and her piece-of-work husband are doing. When she gets a little older, there's a good chance that she'll decide she'd rather live with you full time than continue having to deal with people who are more interested in hurting her father than in behaving like mature adults.
