Dear Mr. Dad: My wife is due any day and until a week or so ago, everything was going incredibly smoothly. She and I took classes and we both read your book, "The Expectant Father" (which she liked better than most of the pregnancy books written for women). The pregnancy has been uneventful and the baby is doing great. But one night, I woke up in a cold sweat, worrying like crazy about, well, everything, like my wife getting sick, or something going wrong during the delivery, or any number of other things. The weird thing is that while I'm laying there in bed unable to sleep, my wife is sleeping like a baby. I feel silly asking any of my friends about this. Is this kind of anxiety common among dads-to-be?
A: Bravo on having the guts to ask this question. Over the years, I've interviewed thousands of new dads and it's pretty rare to find one who doesn't admit (usually privately, and after some prodding on my part) to having some pre-birth anxiety. Given how many legitimate things there are to worry about, I'm pretty confident that the guys who don't admit it are lying _ or not paying enough attention.
Unfortunately, very few expectant dads will publicly admit that they're afraid (especially not to their partner). Not surprisingly, that just makes things worse.
The most common causes of these attacks are the ones you mentioned: fears that something terrible could happen to the mom or the baby. But there are plenty of others: financial security, loss of free time, worries about not being a good dad, worries about not having sex again, fears about being ready to be parents, fears about passing out during the birth, and nearly debilitating feelings of shame or inadequacy at not being able to do anything to help.
What this illustrates is what I've been saying for 20 years: The psychological and emotional transition from childless man to father is at least as profound as what women go through. Of course, women have a far greater physical burden to deal with. However, as many as 90 percent of expectant dads also experience some physical symptoms during their partner's pregnancy. We're talking things like nausea, vomiting, stomach cramps, toothaches, backaches, insomnia, dizzy spells, and weight gain.
Many researchers believe that these physical symptoms are closely related to the expectant dad's psychological stress and anxiety. For example, if the pregnancy was unplanned, the parents- to-be are having marital troubles, the dad-to-be is feeling left out or pushed away, or if the pregnancy is considered "high risk," the symptoms increase.
By far, the most important thing you can do to minimize your stress and anxiety (and all the associated symptoms) is to make sure you get yourself some social support. This isn't going to be easy, since (a) you're supposed to be supporting the pregnant mom, and (b) your primary source of support _ your spouse _ is too preoccupied with what's going on inside her body to think about what you need. (Nothing wrong with that. It's just something to be aware of). So find a couple of expectant or new dads and invite them out for a beer and a heart-to-heart. It'll do you all a world of good.
If at all possible, carve out a few minutes a day for "me" time, when you can get some exercise, meditate, or just spend some time thinking about life. Finally, to ease your anxieties as you meet fatherhood head on, you might want to pick up a copy of the sequel to the book you already own: "The New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First Year." I know you (and your wife) will find it very reassuring.
