I am a single mother of two young girls and I’m trying to date. My problem is that I don’t know what to divulge to my dates. The last guy I met, I told too much and scared him away. I want to find someone long-term who will be willing to one day be a stepfather to my daughters. But I feel so lost and out of touch with the dating world, I don’t want to fall flat on my face.
What do you consider telling too much? Did you tell him you cried at the finale of The Bachelor? That you wore Crocs for a year when they first came out? Then it’s perfectly understandable if your poor date ran screaming for the exit. However, letting him know that you are the mother of two is not too much – it’s the truth and it’s essential. Your kids are part of who you are, and any man who is spooked by this is not boyfriend material. In the words of a dear and divorced friend (also a mother of two), “You weed out those suckers right away! Who has that time to waste?”
Although I understand your fear of rejection, waiting to mention such an important detail can also undermine any chance of a successful future, since it’s hard not to view it as fraudulent: a kind of “bait and switch”. I would also encourage you to look at your inclination to conceal. To me it suggests an unspoken layer of shame. Being a mother is a wonderful thing. It’s challenging and exhausting at times, but it ultimately makes us stronger, deeper human beings. And single parents require an even vaster resource of strength, not to mention some kickass time-management skills. If you are finding a way to make it work, don’t look at it as something to hide, it’s something to celebrate.
I would, however, advise you to refrain from announcing too soon that you are looking for someone to be your children’s stepfather. Let the role that a prospective partner plays in your children’s lives develop organically. It’s a delicate transition, and you want to be sure that everyone has a chance to reconcile their own feelings. It goes without saying that any man you bring into your children’s lives should be someone you trust and with whom they feel comfortable.
I won’t deny that finding the perfect person might take a little longer, but you have a better chance of not being disappointed if you are honest upfront. It’s worth the wait.
• Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com
