I am getting married this year, and my family are putting pressure on me to ask my sister to be a bridesmaid. My mother calls me, crying, saying what a difficult situation I’ve put her in. My sister and I have barely spoken in seven years. I am shy, while she is loud and confrontational. Through therapy for depression, I’ve learned that my poor self-esteem is rooted in her bullying of me. Now, I am trapped between the fear of being portrayed as nasty and bitter for excluding my sister as much as possible from the wedding (she is invited, though) and the fear of what I want to be a special day being ruined by her cruelty. How can I assert myself and make my family understand?
There is nothing like a wedding to put family drama into stark relief. I’m not sure why family members feel entitled to appropriate the big day, but nearly everyone who has a family has a member who threatens to ruin it.
If your relationship with your sister is that acrimonious, and you can’t (or don’t want to) use this wedding to improve relations with her, keep her involvement to a minimum – but be prepared for some grade-A mother guilt, of course. Remember that, as hard as it was to be bullied by your sister, it was most likely equally frustrating and miserable for your mother to witness her kids locked in battle while feeling powerless to stop it. Mothers never stop trying to make peace in the family, even when their entreaties often end up making the situation worse.
Everyone needs to remember that it’s your wedding, your marriage, your life. They’ll have to accept how you want to celebrate your union. You know you are not nasty and bitter, and no one can convince you otherwise, unless you let them. When the poisoned arrows fly, duck and run for cover with the man you’ve chosen to spend your life with. He can help you keep perspective, and maybe together you can inject some much-needed humour into the situation.
And remember, this is your choice. You are not required to buy into the “big wedding”. If the traditions are really important to you, then work on developing a thicker skin, one that can withstand the judgment.
Or there’s always Vegas – which has the bonus of offering Elvis as your witness.
• Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com
