I’ve been with my partner for almost two years and we’re very happy together, but lately I have noticed that conversations quickly turn into arguments. The problem is that he’s a compulsive devil’s advocate, which upsets me, especially when I am confiding in him or would like to discuss a personal issue. He rarely takes my side and it makes me feel rejected. How can I make him see that in certain situations I don’t want his opinion, I just want support?
If what you want is support and not his opinion you need to let him know. Try this: “Honey (or your term of endearment of choice), right now I really need you to listen.” Some people are better at this than others, and it might take some gentle repeating on your part. Not to play the devil’s advocate myself (but let’s face it, that is essentially what I do) most likely he’s trying to help.
Often when we’re upset by a personal interaction with someone – an annoying work colleague, a family member – it can be helpful to see the other person’s point of view. Considering what the other person is feeling can help defuse our own anger or hurt. But getting to that place takes time, and it seems that he’s trying to rush things. He’s going into Mr Fix-it mode, which is, understandably, upsetting you.
I’m sure he doesn’t want to do this. In a quiet moment, when no one is annoyed, let him know that although you value his opinion (I’m assuming you do, when it isn’t presented in direct contrast to your own, and, when you’re upset), sometimes you really just need him to listen.
Of course being the grown-up, evolved woman that you are, you also have to realise that it’s OK for your partner to have an opinion that is different from your own. F Scott Fitzgerald once wrote, “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” OK, so maybe Fitzgerald isn’t the go-to guy for relationship guidance, but intelligent he certainly was.
The concept of holding different ideas is one that I try to practise. Not only does it make getting along with people much better; it strengthens our sense of compassion and connection, and makes it easier to get unstuck and let things go.
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