My husband of seven years suffers from depression and anxiety, and medicates with alcohol. It’s got worse over time, but he denies it, thinks he’s normal and makes out I’m the crazy one for pointing it out. We have a six-year-old daughter, and I stay for her because I know it will be a bloody fight if we separate. But it is hard to take care of myself in the midst of it all. What can I do?
You don’t have the power to control your husband’s actions, but you do have the power to control your own. You also have the obligation to protect your daughter from being hurt (either emotionally or physically). There are many different treatments for alcoholism, but I believe they are successful only if the person in question admits to themselves that they have a problem, and clearly your strategies aren’t working. It’s time to look at other options.
If your husband’s alcohol abuse makes him violent in any way towards you or your daughter, you must get out immediately and contact the authorities. They should help you decide whether you need a restraining order. Perhaps you have family members or some good friends who can take you and your daughter in for a time.
I am the last person who would like to see a father prevented from seeing his child, but the negative effects of having an alcoholic as a caretaker can be extreme. If he’s able to see what he is in danger of losing, perhaps he will make the decision to seek the help he needs.
Since he insists that everything is normal, I wonder what your friends think? Not just your friends (people who automatically take your side) but friends of your marriage. If the majority are in agreement, you might want to consider some kind of “intervention”. Members of your families might want to participate if they are concerned. However, if you decide to pursue this option, make sure you consult a trained counsellor.
And then there’s you. You know those flight announcements that instruct adults to put on their oxygen mask before fitting one on their child? Well, I instruct you to do the same, metaphorically. Do whatever your resources will allow for you to take care of yourself. Contact friends and family, and see a therapist of your own, if you can. There are also Al-Anon meetings where you can meet other people in similar situations.
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