My girlfriend of two years is furious because of a prank I played while on my way to a stag do. I sent everyone a photo of a (fully clothed) girl, joking that she was a stripper who was coming to the stag do with me (this was made up, I found the photo online). My girlfriend found out and says she is disappointed in me, that it was indecent, and insulted my friends. She has ignored me since. We’re pretty happy together normally, but sometimes she gets really angry for no apparent reason and I have to beg for forgiveness. Do I do that now, or should I make a stand?
“Disappointed”? “Indecent”? Did she also give you a spanking and send you to your room without dinner? Begging for forgiveness should be saved for the really big stuff – forgetting anniversaries, betrayal, leaving the toilet seat up. Using it up on the tiny stuff is just bound to make you resentful and further entrench you in your already somewhat unhealthy relationship dynamic.
In the beginning, these manufactured dramas seem to enhance everything, like a drug that makes colours appear to burn brighter. Make-up sex after a long day of the silent treatment can feel like falling into a delicious pool of water after getting lost in the desert. The feelings are so intense, it can be hard to reconcile them with the fact that it isn’t real. When you get to the hard part of making a relationship work, you might find you have been so distracted by the melodrama that you don’t have the honesty and goodwill required to sustain any kind of real intimacy.
If you are really interested in having a grown-up relationship, then, yes, take a stand. That doesn’t mean doing the same thing she is doing. Don’t freeze her out. Calmly explain your position and maybe inquire about what could be driving her insecurity. Let her know you would like to reassure her, but she has to trust you a little more. Snooping through your personal correspondence (I don’t see how else she would know about your text) only perpetuates the atmosphere of distrust, and has to stop. Ditto the name-calling. It can be hard to change the rules after you have established them, though not impossible. But you both have to be up to the challenge. If she’s not, then take what you have learned into the next relationship. You will already know where the potholes are. It’s up to you not to fall into them.
• Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com.
