I have a friend who always copies me in very subtle ways: a funny line I’ve said gets repeated and passed off as her own, a random artist I like suddenly appears in her living room without any reference made to me. I know I should be flattered, but it’s annoying. I feel she is stealing my identity. Should I say something?
I’m torn, because in my life I’ve been both the copier and the copied. I think most of us have. Growing up, I looked to people I admired and did my best to emulate them. The look I cultivated as a teenager was in large part me doing my best to copy Diane Keaton, and not quite getting it right. As I matured and grew more confident, I drew on other influences and finally developed my own, weird style. This, in turn, got copied by other girls. At the time I found it flattering but disconcerting. Now, when I see young girls referencing that look, I’m only flattered, and proud of my teenage self for taking fashion risks. (Also, I’ll admit, I’ll take any opportunity to appear cool to my slightly imperious 11-year-old daughter.)
Of course I do realise that it’s different when it’s a close friend doing the copying. And I won’t deny that it can get annoying. I tend to err on the side of being overly communicative with friends. Acquaintances get the benefit of my politeness, but they miss out on the intimacy and honesty that accompanies true friendship. So if the credit is really important to you, then find a good moment to speak up. Do it in private, however, as calling her out in front of other people will needlessly embarrass her. And it could easily be misconstrued, by others who don’t know the back story, as pettiness on your part. If she refuses to cop to it, then maybe downgrade the friendship for a bit.
Whether you talk to her about it or not, you can’t stop her liking what she likes. Just because you happen to have come across it first doesn’t make it any less meaningful or legitimate for her. And really, isn’t much of the joy of discovering new and exciting things sharing them with others? As far as her “stealing your identity”, rest assured, that’s not going to happen. You’re a lot more than a collection of clever lines and favourite artists. Identity is cultivated over a lifetime, and true creativity isn’t any more finite than our capacity to love. There will always be new things for you to find, insights to have and, alas, admirers to emulate you.
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