I have been with my boyfriend for seven years, but he still lives with his mother and has never shown any sign of wanting us to move in together, even though I have said that’s what I want. His mother has made it clear that she doesn’t like us being together. She is very possessive, but I understand that’s because he is the only man in her life: she split up with his father many years ago and is estranged from her other son. Over the years, she’s often made catty remarks, but recently she made a comment about my weight that I wasn’t able to ignore – I feel very sensitive about the subject. I got upset and it turned into an argument. She threw me out of her house, and now my boyfriend and I are seeing each other less and less. It’s putting a lot of pressure on our relationship.
Your boyfriend’s mother should start checking to make sure a house doesn’t fall on her. But clearly she isn’t the real problem: it’s your boyfriend. Unless you started dating the guy in your early teens, I’d guess he’s at least in his early 20s – and a man who is still living with his mum in his 20s or later, with no clear life goals, is really still a boy. Or maybe he does have goals and they just don’t include you. I know that the economy is hard and jobs are hard to come by. Free rent in this climate can seem appealing, but nothing is really free, and your relationship seems to be the cost here.
What was he doing while his mother was commenting on your weight? It doesn’t sound as if he was coming to your defence, but then how can he? It’s his mother’s home and she has the say on what happens within her domain. Whether or not you choose to recognise it yet, you know what’s going on here: you’re stuck in a dead-end relationship that’s taken the past seven years of your life. He’s the weight.
“Give me a child until he is seven and I’ll show you the man” crowed St Francis Xavier, or St Ignatius Loyola, or some other Jesuit heavyweight back in the day. Regardless of who actually said it, the takeaway for me has always been that life can be looked at in seven-year cycles. You are a different person from when you started going out with him, and in seven years you will be changed again. Hopefully, by then you’ll be with someone who has a life to call his own, or at the very least a backbone.
• Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com
