I am 28 and was with a man I truly loved for a year and half. We were about to move in together when he ended it. I don’t understand why. Less than two months later he’s on dating websites and seeing lots of women. I just want him back, I want our life back. I feel broken and alone. How do I overcome the feeling of betrayal and trust anyone again? I’m trying. I’m seeing friends, going to the gym and focusing on my job, but I just feel empty and lost.
By the time you read this, I’m sure you’re feeling better than when you wrote your letter, because really that’s the only thing that makes heartbreak better – time. Pure conjecture, but it sounds like your boyfriend got spooked by commitment and decided to get out before taking the next step. Whatever the reasons, it’s infinitely better for you that he figured out now – before you got married, had kids – that there were still wild oats to be sown.
Not to diminish the agony you’re feeling. It’s horrible. We’ve all been there, on one side or another – heart-breaker and broken alike. Both are hellish, but I’m going to go on record and say that having your heart broken might suck a little bit more. Sure, the heartbreaker feels guilty for hurting a person they once loved, but the neurotransmitter house party going on in their brain created by new romantic possibility drowns it out. The heartbroken, meanwhile, just feels pain, and is left with unanswerable questions, the top one usually being, “What’s wrong with me?”
Don’t worry, there is nothing wrong with you. And you are doing all of the right things, except for one: there is no reason you need to know about his dating activity. Not so long ago, when we broke up, it was done. We exchanged belongings, friends picked sides and everyone moved on. Years might pass before we heard news of our former object of affection. Now, we hear everything online. It’s like dating a celebrity whose every move is chronicled in those magazines you read while getting your nails done.
But you don’t have to. Knowing what he’s doing will not help you move on, so block him on social media. And guess what? Being where you are isn’t so bad. Feel what you feel and know it’s ephemeral. You will fall in love again. I can’t promise you won’t face betrayal. Chances are you will, because that’s what humans do. But you will also forgive and be forgiven because, thankfully, we do that, too.
• Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com
