I bought my first flat a year ago. An old and good family friend moved into the spare room. Before he moved in, I made it clear that although I don’t need to be sociable all the time, I like to live in a house where people cook together and share nice times. It started well, but soon he descended into a depression caused by problems with his job. It’s now been 10 months in which he barely emerges from his room and plays dirge-like music in the mornings. There’s a black cloud in the apartment and it has affected my own behaviour. I understand he’s depressed, but I can’t bear to live with him any more. How do I ask him to leave and still remain friends?
First things first: you don’t ask him to leave. You tell him that he has to leave, but make sure that you give him enough time to find another living arrangement (three months seems to be the standard). If you made everything clear before he moved in, he’s not living up to his end of the bargain. As his landlord, you have every right to look for another housemate, one who would be more copacetic to the environment that you are looking for. It’s always a gamble having friends come to live with, or work for, us. There will often be an uncomfortable balance of power, and it seems that he has given you no choice but to exercise yours.
The part about remaining friends is more complicated. There’s no way around it: kicking your friend to the kerb probably won’t inspire a great desire to hang out with you at the pub next week. In fact, you should be prepared for the possibility that he may not want to be friends with you at all. If he is indeed a good family friend, consider involving your respective families to figure out the best way to get him the help that he needs. I don’t know exactly how depressed he is, but true depression is debilitating and can only worsen if not taken seriously. I also happen to believe it is somewhat contagious, so you are not wrong to protect yourself.
For the next time, be as clear as you can possibly be about your mutual expectations. It wouldn’t hurt to put something in writing. Just take that lease and add a “No emo before noon” box. Make double sure that it’s checked.
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