I am 38 and sing in a band. Recently I have become infatuated with one of the band members, who’s 23. Aside from the age gap, I have a long-term boyfriend I live with (we bought a flat together three years ago). But my feelings are stronger than anything I felt for my boyfriend. I told my bandmate how I felt, and he responded by flirting with me, but eventually told me he didn’t feel the same. I am at the point of breaking up with my boyfriend, but I face the nightmare of having to move out and I feel everything is crashing down around my ears. Maybe if I am single, the musician would feel more able to approach me, regardless of the age gap?
Crushes are appropriately named: they can be so powerful they seem to “crush” everything else. At the best of times they can be a nice reminder that we are attractive to the outside world. And then there are those times when the obsessive part of our brain kicks in and the cute little crush, surrounded by puppies and kittens shooting serotonin-soaked Cupid arrows, turns into a snaggle-toothed monster crush that threatens to devour you and destroy anything that holds meaning in your life. Of course, there are times when crushes do turn into real love, but Mr Baby Band Member seems content to stay in the puppy and kitten stage.
Would he be more interested in you if you were single? Not very likely. The average human being is drawn to what’s unattainable. If you break up with your boyfriend and move out of your flat to make yourself more appealing, it is guaranteed to backfire. You will fail to get him as a boyfriend and might even lose him as a bandmate.
Here’s the real question: what is going on with you and your boyfriend that’s driving you to seek outside validation? Long-term relationships go through many ups and downs. You will never get back to those crushy, dry-mouthed, heart-fluttering days, but there are deeper rewards in honestly loving someone you really know, and in being loved back. Why don’t you try to communicate with your boyfriend and see if you can find the root of the dissatisfaction? Perhaps you can repair it before you go and dismantle your life. If the relationship has run its course, you know what you have to do. But do it for yourself, not for a 23-year-old will-o’-the-wisp.
• Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com
