I’ve been living with my partner for two years and am very happy but I really miss my own space. I am out a lot, seeing friends and while he has some social plans, he coordinates them with mine so we can spend more time together. However, this means I never have a night in alone. I long for an evening when I can cook for one and watch my own TV shows. What can I do?
I bet if I asked your partner what is the biggest issue he has with your relationship, he’d say, “I really love my partner… but we don’t spend enough time together.” One of the most common issues couples face is learning how to negotiate emotional distance. Anecdotally (and gender bias alert!), I feel like it’s women who tend to equate love and commitment with time spent together. Men feel loved when their partner gives them space.
Not to say that women can’t embody masculine traits and vice versa. I’m way more confrontational than my husband, have no problem expressing my opinion (as evidenced by this column) and love bourbon. He hates arguing, is an altogether superior homemaker and will drink cocktails only if they have a tiny umbrella in them. Then again, I’m more comfortable talking about my feelings and cry as easily as I breathe; he reads Cormac McCarthy, likes to punch things and gets panicky when he doesn’t have space. Even after nearly 15 years together, I still forget this last part. It’s like when my kids throw tantrums and I realise it’s because they haven’t consumed anything other than cheese puffs and air for hours. When my husband doesn’t get the breathing room he needs, he doesn’t express his frustration by throwing himself on the floor and wailing: he just acts like a dude and shuts down.
The too close/not close tango is one you will find yourself dancing throughout this relationship. The mother of an old boyfriend told me that when you get together with someone, figure out if your first big argument is one you can live with for ever – because you’re going to keep having it.
It’s not so much what you argue about, but how. Try expressing your feelings with love, letting your partner know that having this space will enable you to be more fully engaged in the relationship. Scour Groupon for events that your partner can enjoy solo while you catch up on a show that only you like. If all else fails, beg.
• Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com
