I helped my friend get a job where I work. Recently, we both went for promotions, and the outcome is that hers is much better than mine. I can’t help feeling jealous and disappointed. She is a great friend and so generous. I just feel that this is something I have always wanted and she hasn’t aspired for it as much. How do I get over this?
One of the hardest things to accept is that one person’s success does not equal our failure, or vice versa. We stumble through life watching our friends and enemies alike getting promoted, making money, getting that big house, going on that extravagant vacation, all with that tedious little voice inside convincing us that if only it weren’t for them, all of this would be ours for the taking.
We operate on the false premise that there is a finite amount of good fortune in the world, and that these select few have gobbled it all up, leaving just crumbs for the rest of us. That voice is ill-informed, and the sooner we learn to silence it, the better.
I won’t deny that it’s a bitter pill to take when we have to stand by and watch people we don’t like succeeding and flourishing in areas that seem wholly undeserved, but watching a friend do the same can bring up even more complicated feelings: indignation, jealousy, shame – you name it. And it’s hard to walk around feeling that toxic.
Rest assured, we have all felt this way at one time or another. No matter how successful we are, it is rarely enough. Just realise that we are all in this together and your time will come. Let all of those negative emotions burn themselves out and try your best to foster the positive feelings that you have for your generous friend. Offer your congratulations, even if it doesn’t feel 100% sincere. Don’t worry, your brain will catch up, just as research has shown that smiling when you don’t feel like it can actually combat stress and enhance your mood.
Your friend probably senses that her promotion is hard on you, and having you support her good fortune will mean a lot to your friendship. If she is really the great friend you say she is, she will be the one going out to bat for you the next time promotions are on the table.
• Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com
