I have a new friend whom I find emotionally draining. Conversations are one-sided, and when she does stop to ask about me or pause to hear what I’m saying, I usually get about 10 words in – then she’s on to another anecdote about her wonderful life. The only thing she gives me space to talk about is my ailing mother. While I appreciate that sympathy, I’d rather discuss things in my life that are going well and making me happy. How can I turn the tables on this relationship?
I think the key word is in your first sentence: “new”. I’m all for doing somersaults for old friends. I’ve been through terrible fights, separations, reconciliations: pretty much the same gamut of emotions I’ve experienced in my romantic relationships. I value my friendships, especially the old friends, whom I consider to be as essential in my life as my family. They are the family I’ve chosen for myself. But we have years of goodwill in our favour, so we forgive each other our shortcomings, knowing that there is enough good in there to sustain us through the hard parts.
While I’m open to making new friends, the older I get, the more rare it seems. Admittedly, I’ve also become a whole lot more picky. Time is such a precious commodity that I just don’t want to spend it on someone who isn’t worth it or who is, as you describe your friend, “emotionally draining”. “Frenemies” don’t really bring anything to the table and they make us feel bad, sneakily undermining us with covert criticism, making sure that our life pales in comparison with their own. They can be narcissistic, manipulative and emotionally dangerous if not kept in check.
Maybe your new friend has some great qualities that you neglected to mention, which make you hesitate to drop her as a friend. If that is the case, be honest and tell her that you get the feeling your life really doesn’t interest her so much. Give her a chance to acknowledge that friendship is a two-sided endeavour. If she gets defensive or doesn’t make any real effort to listen, then do yourself a favour and let this one go. There are too many people in the world who merit your interest to waste valuable time on a bore.
• Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com
