I love my wife. We have a great relationship of 13 years. But I have an employee who is stunningly beautiful. She is 24; I’m 40. I cannot take my eyes off her and when she is in the room I have palpitations. I respect her work and abilities very much, and if I could turn off my intense attraction to her, I would. We have a good working relationship, there is no flirting on either side, but I sometimes have to sit there with my eyes closed. My reactions feel entirely involuntary and very troubling. I don’t feel guilty, exactly, although being married I often wonder whether I should; but it is very distracting and upsetting. I can’t reassign her to work with other people as she is essential to the projects we work on together, but I need this to stop.
There’s no reason to feel guilty about being attracted to your stunning employee. We’re all susceptible to beauty and charm. In an ideal world, this situation would be something you could talk about with your wife. Unfortunately, she’d probably feel pretty bad hearing you’re shutting your eyes because this woman has such a powerful effect on you – though she’d feel much worse if you acted upon this infatuation.
I would suggest you first speak with someone who is impartial. When your hormones are firing, the only way that you can stop it is to step away from the situation.
Consider a couple of visits to a therapist or, if for some reason that’s unfeasible, talk to a close friend who has proven himself to be both decent and discreet. (What you don’t need is a hooting hyena cheering you on; when struggling with temptation, people often unconsciously seek out the voice of unreason.) Remember, you haven’t done anything wrong: in fact, the point of talking about it (with the right person) is to ensure that you don’t.
Then try, if you can, not to work so closely with your colleague. You said she’s essential – but so is your marriage. If you continue to be around her, chances are you’ll eventually act on your feelings. Not everybody does, of course, but it’s a foolish risk to take.
Limit your contact with her as much as possible – and that includes work parties.
• Send your dilemmas about love, family and life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com
