As a dating coach, I get questions about almost everything related to dating and relationships: what to wear, who to message, how to end a date, you name it. For this week, I'd like to share an edition of "Ask Erika," including a few questions from a recent seminar I gave called "The Art of the Date."
Q: I am a short woman ... any advice on heels vs. no heels for a first date? (I usually base my shoe choice on the activity, but I'm just curious if you have any thoughts on this.)
A: Short and sweet (both literally and figuratively): Wear whatever you feel the sexiest and most confident in. Studies do show that heels often make women feel more confident, perhaps because men give them more notice ... or is it the other way around? Maybe men give them more notice because they are more confident. The chicken or the egg ... the heel or the attention? If you're just going to be walking, though, then be comfy! In the end, your shoe choice of heels or not won't affect whether someone likes you. And if it does, it's probably not the right person for you.
Q: Many profiles are looking for someone to laugh with. How do we find topics to lighten up our dates?
A: First of all, writing in your profile that you're looking for someone to "laugh with" is very cliche, and I wouldn't recommend saying it at all since that's what most people want. But, to answer your question, remember that this is a date, not an interview, so try to avoid acting like you're judging the other person based on his or her answers. (Maybe you are, but keep that to yourself!) It's best to stay away from the stereotypical interview questions like, "What is the hardest thing you've ever accomplished?" or "Tell me about a time where you were challenged to do something you felt was wrong?" These questions are scary, whether at an interview or a date. Rather, ask something that he or she already knows or can at least have a fun time thinking about. Some examples:
_ What do you generally like to do after work?
_ What made you decide to move to the area, and how do you enjoy it?
_ How was your day? (Often overlooked, but a great conversation-starter.)
_ What kinds of things do you like to read for pleasure? Have you read anything good lately that you would recommend?
_ What would be your perfect Sunday?
Q: If you have an incredible first date and sparks are flying, what is the natural course to take when you both lead busy lives?
A: Get the next date on the calendar!! Very important. Within a week if possible. Just make sure it's lined up so you don't have to text and call indefinitely. It won't just happen _ you have to make it happen.
Follow-up Q: How do you pace the progression correctly of someone you're newly seeing?
A: It's like the Goldilocks effect _ you have to leave enough time to miss each other, but not so much time because you need to keep the momentum going. I would aim for one to two dates a week for the first few weeks, and then more often if you like. Also, I wouldn't recommend sleeping with someone too soon because you'll have a false sense of intimacy and may forget to actually learn about each other. In the end, though, every relationship progresses at a different pace, so there are no "rules," per se, just suggestions.
