Dear Anna,
I (35-year-old woman) have been dating a wonderful, sweet, caring guy (27) for about four months. While everything is great, I just learned that I’m his first girlfriend. I found that unsettling to say the least, and can’t help but wonder if we can expect to make it if this is his first relationship? But then, it feels dumb to end a good thing just because he’s late to the party. Any advice is appreciated. — Naive Over Objectionable Beau
Dear NOOB,
There’s this great quote by Lorrie Moore in "See What Can Be Done," where she writes, “Even in the luckiest life … one loves someone and then that someone dies. This is not acceptable. This is a major design flaw! To say nothing of the world’s truly calamitous lives.”
Which is to say, even if you don’t “make it,” by which I presume you mean “enjoy a decadeslong relationship wherein rings, property, children and/or pets bring you immeasurable happiness,” someone still dies at the end.
Which is to say, it’s an incredibly lucky thing to find someone wonderful, caring and sweet and have a great relationship with them, as you do. And yet everything ends — somehow, some way! So you might as well enjoy it for what it is instead of worrying about how it might go wrong, or if his relationship inexperience will be the thing that unglues you.
It might! But then, it might not.
Better to slurp up that delicious goodness — loudly! intentionally! — like the last dregs of a favorite milkshake.
Dear Anna,
My boyfriend and I (22-year-old female) have been together for a little over a year. He just told me he’s fairly sure he’s bisexual. His declaration prompted me to tell him I think I am, too. Where do we go from here? — Big IndecisionS
Dear BIS,
Congratulations! This is fantastic news. You felt safe enough to tell each other your desires, which is a huge first step to accepting yourselves and your sexualities. According to a recent study, those in mixed-orientation relationships who openly addressed their bisexuality reported higher relationship and sexual satisfaction. So, good on you.
My first bit of advice is to celebrate. Bisexuals don’t often throw themselves parties, but I honestly think we should. Even at Pride, the Bs get kind of buried or invisibilized, so it’s up to us to make sure we’re treating ourselves like the celestial gods and goddesses that we are.
Hence, party cone emoji!
What you do after that depends on a lot of factors. Do one or both of you want to act on your same-sex attractions? Because opening up your relationship is definitely a route to exploring your newfound queerness, but as a newbie to both queer and poly, it can be kind of a lot all at once. So, baby steps. Make sure your relationship is in a super solid place before you go dipping a toe into … other seas.
(Read this column about letting go of internalized poly shame.)
You could also try exploring your queerness together, a la with other mixed-orientation couples. Some dating apps allow you to filter your matches by sexual orientation, so you can search for others who identify as bi/pan. (This will lower your overall matches, but it also filters out the potential douches who would judge or shame you for your sexuality, so a kind of win, too.)
Of course, you might decide that you’re happy being monogamous with each other, and that’s perfectly fine. Plenty of paired-up people with same-sex attractions don’t want to act on their desires.
Regardless of what you decide, you might also want to find some other bi/pan/queers for friendship+ and/or other activities. (Bi skeeball? If it exists, please invite me.) The Bi Resource Center has support groups listed by state. The main Bisexual subreddit (others, such as ones pertaining to bi men, are listed in the sidebar) is another place to find online communities and ask questions you’re afraid to ask elsewhere.
And for some encouragement and acceptance, read my letter to my teenage self about coming to terms with my bisexuality.
Good luck, BIS. I’ll leave you with an NSYNC meme I came across on the aforementioned bi subreddit: It may be crazy but it ain’t no lie, baby, bi, bi, bi.
