Dear Anna,
I recently came out as a bisexual to my parents. It wasn’t planned; they just asked me and I decided I’m tired of lying and said the truth. My father was OK with it, but my mother somehow can’t accept it. I’m at the university now, I don’t live with my parents anymore, I don’t even live in the same city, but because of my mother’s business trips I meet her once in a while, and quite often she brings up the topic of my sexuality. She suggests that I’m not really bi, that it’s a phase, that I think I’m attracted to women because I saw my parents’ marriage fall apart, or that I’m scared of men, or I don’t feel comfortable with my femininity.
While I know that she may be right, in a way (I fear rejection, and I’ve always been a tomboy), I feel that my loving women is genuine. I remember the joy and relief I felt when I admitted to myself that I’m bi and I feel that it doesn’t stem from my other problems. I’ve tried explaining that many times, but she’s never convinced and these conversations always leave me feeling frustrated and hurt and lonely. What’s more — maybe because my mother is a well-known psychologist and she knows much more about the human psyche than I do — I sometimes start questioning my own feelings.
For example, when I like a girl I sometimes doubt that I really like her, in a “maybe I just find her pretty and funny and cute but only subconsciously I’m convincing myself that I’m attracted to her because I feel more comfortable around girls” way. I don’t want to desperately look for a girlfriend to prove anything (including to myself) because it’s unfair and I know it doesn’t work like that; but I feel really tired and don’t know what to do or how to talk to my mother about it. Should I just avoid this topic altogether? — Basically Insecure
Dear BI,
Your mom is a well-known psychologist who’s never heard of bisexuality? OK, I’ll be fair. She’s probably heard of it, but she is also deeply in denial. Not an uncommon response for parents whose children have recently come out to them.
You need to set some clear boundaries with your mom. The next time she comes to town (you can also call or email her if you’re more comfortable with that), tell her you love her, and you’re happy to talk about your life with her, but that you’re not going to discuss your sexuality with her. Don’t explain further. Don’t apologize or make excuses. Just be firm about it. If she persists in trying to make you feel bad about yourself, then take a break from her (you could also find yourself suddenly “very busy at school”) for a while until she learns to deal with her own biphobia and how to respect your boundaries.
My mom (also a psychologist, funny enough) thought my sexuality was a phase, too, when I first told her about it 15 years ago. She seemed to accept it after a while, and we stopped talking about it. And then, she had multiple strokes and became a Jehovah’s Witness. Suddenly, my sexuality became an issue again and she couldn’t stop describing the man she wanted me to marry. I took a break from talking to her. I told her my sexuality wasn’t up for discussion. A little white flag was raised. Nobody’s happy exactly, but we’re attempting to make peace and move on.
Sometimes our parents never accept us for who we are. Sometimes we have to give that acceptance to ourselves.
I’d like to hope that most parents come around eventually, given enough time and reflection and abiding love they feel for their children. But I know that plenty of parents don’t. I hope your mom does, for both of your sakes. But if she doesn’t, then your next task will be learning to make peace with it. And in the meantime, take the time and space you need. (I know she’s your mom, but you’re a grown-ass adult now, and have every right to assert some boundaries).
I would also advise you not to rationalize away your feelings about girls. Your attraction and desire do not need a deeper meaning, nor do they have to be linked to some subconscious underpinning that has yet to surface. A cute girl is a cute girl. Accept the thoughts when they come, but don’t dwell on it. It sounds like you’ve still got a ways to go in terms of your own self-acceptance — and that’s fine. Coming out is a lifelong process and it’s OK to go as fast or as slow as you need to figure things out. But do try to remember that “joy and relief” you felt after admitting to yourself that you’re bi. When you hold on to those truths about yourself, it makes it that much harder for other people to try to convince you that you’re “wrong.”
I’m reminded of this poem by Joanna Hoffman called “Pride,” in which she writes: “It's in our bones not to take shame into our blood/ But to live boldly … And I didn't say thank you for not allowing my heart to be strip searched/ By those who wanna know if my love is pure enough/ Because I've already spent years/ Committing hate crimes against myself/ And I already know all of those tricks.”
It’s time to start unlearning some of those tricks, BI. It’s time to start living boldly. Good luck.
