Dear Anna,
I tried to have a casual sex date with this guy, but after some video dates and text flirtation he decided he didn’t want to because he “respects me too much” and he was afraid sex would lead to “feelings.” What do I do with this bulls—? — Not Sure Anymore
Dear NSA,
Consider yourself lucky that you didn’t sleep with someone so patronizing. And who believes casual sex is something you only do with people you don’t respect. And move on. It sucks to get rejected (sometimes weirdly more so by people we’re not that invested in), but there are far worse things to worry about. Plus anyone who preemptively makes you out to be needy (the “sex would lead to feelings” line) isn’t worth the sweat. Dust off them Spanx, ready your swiping fingers, and try, try again.
———
Dear Anna,
I met a girl at a party last weekend. We drank, we talked a lot, we flirted. We didn’t kiss but she did tell me I looked cute at one point. One small thing is she kept looking at her phone all night, and at one point I am pretty sure she was on Pokemon Go. Which, OK, a little rude, but whatever. I kinda lost her at the end of the night, but I did some searching and found her on Facebook. Can I send her a message or does that make me — Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Nah, it’s fine. Send her a message on Facebook. Just one. If she responds, great. If she doesn’t, well, rest assured that anyone who is battling Pokemon in lieu of talking to a cute person at a party probably has, shall we say, different priorities than you.
Either way, chalk it up to a valiant effort, and move on.
———
Dear Anna,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for just over six months. I love her but I know she’s not my forever person for a few key reasons. One, she wants to have kids of her own and I’ve got two already, which is more than enough for me. The second is she wants to be a stay-at-home mom and I (literally) can’t afford to be the sole breadwinner on my current income. It’s hard enough as is, and I need someone to help contribute to the household financially. All that said, the relationship is good, the sex is good and we don’t fight. I do genuinely love her. Is “good enough for now” good enough at all or should I end it now even though nothing’s really wrong? — Tough Choices
Dear TC,
There are definitely times when “good enough” is, well, good enough. Frozen pizza for dinner comes to mind, as well as so-so-but-compelling-enough-to-watch-for-several-hours-when-you’re-bored TV shows. But this is your life. And not only that, it’s your girlfriend’s life, too. If she wants children of your own and you don’t, then she deserves the chance to do that with someone who does want it. Unless you foresee yourself pulling a complete 180 in that direction, which it seems you don’t, then free her up to find someone who wants what she wants.
You know that you have some big life incompatibilities with this person. These aren’t minor quibbles about how she doesn’t fold sweaters the Marie Kondo way. I understand that the emotional and financial repercussions of the pandemic have taken a huge toll on our lives and our willingness to change our immediate circumstances, but don’t sit too long on this one. You’re only going to become more and more wound up in each other and then when the fights about kids or money start (and they will), it’s going to be so much harder for everyone.
