Dear Anna,
My wife and I have sex once a week, twice on rare occasions, but only on the weekends because she's too physically and mentally exhausted from her high-stress job and athletic activity during the week. I handle everything around the house and with kids and am always asking if there are things I can do to help her de-stress. Since the pandemic I've done a lot more reading about sex and learning about potential pleasure-enhancing techniques, such as breathing techniques to encourage full body orgasms and women experiencing G-spot and cervical orgasms who say that while they never thought standard clitoral ones were bad, they had no idea how good it could feel until they experienced these types of orgasms.
When I bring up these kinds of ideas to my wife, she is disinterested. She says she has no interest in having multiple orgasms herself, that she doesn't feel the desire to. She says that practitioners saying G-spot and cervical orgasms are better are just promoting it for financial gain and that it's all hype (such as authors who write books and people who have online seminars/programs). When I say, "Let's find out and try and have fun along the way" she doesn't want to. This truly baffles me. What person, when given the opportunity to increase their pleasure, says no? What woman, when presented with tantric techniques whose goals are to increase emotional connection between partners as well as increase physical pleasure says, “No, thank you?” And more importantly — Any Suggestions?
Dear AS,
There are lots of people who aren't that sexually adventurous, and your wife appears to be one. The reasons for this are varied. Sometimes it has to do with sexual or cultural shame, as women who are “open,” “uninhibited” or “kinky” are considered to be immoral or sluts, or both. Sometimes it’s baggage from a past s—y partner. (I was once berated for “smiling too much” during sex. SMILING! It stuck with me for months.) Sometimes it has to do with the person’s upbringing, religiosity or family. Sometimes it’s just a personality trait.
Was your wife once adventurous and now she’s not? Or was she pretty much always this way and it’s only irking you now that you’ve discovered tantra? Lots of people mellow as they age (and deal with the all-consuming task of raising children and/or a high-demand career). It’s great that you’re doing your share of child-rearing and house duties and helping her de-stress.
I’m also stoked for you that you’re reading and learning more about sex and pleasure. I’m curious if, when your wife says no to cervical orgasm play (can’t blame her there) or tantra or what-have-you, do you follow up with: “Well, what WOULD bring you more pleasure then?” I’m not talking about only sex, though such a conversation can certainly include sexual activities. (Is she happy with your current sex life? Once or twice a week is not nothing, after all.) But open yourself up to the possibility that your wife’s idea of what’s pleasurable is different than yours. And go from there.
When you say that your wife is denying herself opportunities for pleasure, I don’t think that’s entirely accurate or fair. She’s saying no to the kinds of pleasure you’re presenting to her, which, yeah, I get that that’s disappointing. (Tantra can be really fun. But it’s also labor-intensive and takes hours.) Sometimes a quickie can be just as satisfying. Long story short: Our partners don’t always (or even often) share the same sexual interests as we do.
Perhaps you should go back to the beginning with your wife. Forget the fancy breathing techniques, the toys and seminars. Find out what activities your wife finds most pleasurable, in and out of the bedroom. Is it exercise? Is it having some alone time? Taking a bath? Eating a delicious meal (that someone else prepared for her)? Savoring a romance novel? Watching a funny video? Holding hands? Frenching? Getting or receiving a massage? Having someone play with her hair? Scrapbooking? Performing acts of kindness? Look broadly at pleasure, in all realms of the senses and see where the two of you might overlap.
While I think more people would be happier and sexually fulfilled if they stepped out of their comfort zones, at least occasionally, I also recognize that it’s a decision everyone gets to make for themselves. It’s not up to me, or you.
Dear Anna,
My boyfriend and I have been off and on and are currently together again. We used to always have sex but now it's not as often. Before he would come each time, now there are times when he doesn't and I'm not sure what to think or do. It is honestly a bit frustrating because I want him to enjoy having sex with me and to be able to get off. When he doesn't, it just makes me feel awful and that it's my fault.
He isn't as physically or sexually active as he used to be and barely goes out anymore (I think he's depressed) so I wasn't sure if that had anything to do with it. He's not on any medications. Now it feels like he would rather watch porn because it's quicker, not much work to it and he will get off. I don't want it to get to the point where he doesn't want to have sex anymore if he continues to not come. I'm just not sure what to do. I was thinking maybe we need to do more foreplay before we get right into it because that is what we usually do. — Needing Help
Dear NH,
Do you come every time you have sex with your boyfriend? Does your boyfriend ask you about whether you came or not? Does he feel guilty or awful when you don’t come during sex? Do you feel guilty and awful when you don’t come during sex?
I ask you these because there’s an unfortunate and persistent narrative from (mainly) women that goes like this: He’s not coming. What’s wrong with me?
Do you see the flawed logic in that statement? Let’s suss it out further. Your boyfriend not coming during every sexual encounter is:
1. Not a problem. Unless he has specifically told you that it is a problem and he’d like to work on it with you, then assume it’s not that big of a deal. (Because it’s not.) Sometimes, people don’t come. What doesn’t help is making a big deal out of not coming (or mentioning it multiple times), which puts an unnecessary amount of pressure and in-your-headness on the comer in question that just makes it harder to come the next time.
2. Not your problem. Again, when you don’t come, does your boyfriend blame himself, question his desirability or attractiveness and think it’s his fault? I’m guessing the answer is no. This isn’t to say we shouldn’t be making good faith efforts to bring our partners pleasure during sex (and beyond), but whether your boyfriend experiences involuntary pelvic contractions or not is 100% not on you. At all. So no more self-blame or doubt, okay?
That said, if you’re not happy with the current state of your sex life, then by all means, talk to him about it! (Leave the orgasms out of it, however, and focus instead on what might bring more pleasure to both of you.) Tell him what you like about your current sex, what you’d like to do more of, what you’d like to try, and ask him in return.
If you want more foreplay, then do more foreplay! You don’t have to wait. You can take the lead on this. Or even make a game out of it. Set a timer for however long you want to do this, and make a no penis-in-vagina rule until it goes off. (Or only kissing. Or only above-clothes touching. Whatever you want.)
Make time for a separate conversation about his emotional well-being. Depression, even short-term episodes, can definitely impact one’s sex drive, but I wouldn’t make any assumptions or diagnoses. Especially since we’re still in a pandemic and many of us still aren’t leaving the house much. Instead, talk to him.
I’m far more concerned that you seem to not be able to talk to each other than with a missed orgasm or two. Get more comfortable bringing up uncomfortable issues, NH, and I think you’ll see a vast improvement in your sex life and your relationship generally.
