Dear Anna,
Hi Anna. I dated a woman for the better part of a year. It was on-again, off-again, and ended shortly before shelter-in-place started, which is when she left the country. The relationship was always tumultuous, but I hoped we could be friends and maintained contact for that reason. Plus, she left her car with me and a few boxes of her things, which she'll need to access if/when she ever comes back.
Our communications since she left have alternated between sweet and belligerent, however. She has called a few times to yell at me for things that happened during our relationship (why?). She texts randomly to tell me she never really loved me and then sends me pictures of her in bikinis. And she even asked if she could move back in with me, even though I have a new partner who has been quarantining with me. When I said no, she unleashed another textual assault and called me all sorts of names.
I eventually decided the best thing to do would be to block her on social media, my phone, etc. She still emails me and recently sent my children presents for their birthday (with a love note attached), despite my request for no contact. I'm not sure what else to do at this point. How do you get someone to respect your boundaries when they refuse to? — Boundary Quandary
Dear BQ,
So you told her not to contact you, blocked her everywhere but email, and, when you didn't respond to her emails, started going through your children? Yeah, that's manipulative and irritating. Not to mention a gross violation of your boundaries. It sounds to me like you need to draw another very clear line in the sand — cutting off the email channel, and letting her know again, firmly, succinctly, that you don't want her in your life.
Be specific: If she sends more presents, you'll return them back unopened. If she emails, it'll go straight to your spam folder. If she sends a letter via snail mail, it'll go into a ceremonial bonfire filled with apple cores, impudence and 800 Bed, Bath & Beyond 20%-off coupons. (Did you know they never expire? Hot tip!)
Then, once you've set your boundaries (again), make good on them. She might find other ways to contact you — a friend's shitty ex once sent her $1 on Venmo so he could message her there after she blocked him everywhere else — but stay the course.
Sometimes it's not about getting someone to "respect" your boundaries, but getting the hell away from them. Since she's not even in the country anymore, you'd think this would be easy. And yet! But it is easy, in a way, because every technological platform that enables long-distance communication also has a block function. Use it.
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