Dear Anna,
I’ve been dating someone for a few months and it’s going really well. I think it could be a potentially great LTR and I could fall in love with them. Before I do that, though, I’d like to make sure we are truly compatible and that I know and understand them well. What questions would you ask to get to know someone you’re in an early relationship with? What experiences would you recommend having together to learn the most about them? — Seeking Answers
Dear SA,
Ooh, good question. I would take them on an unplanned road trip that involves being in the car for more than six hours for multiple days, whereby you can pepper each other with “getting to know you” questions, as well as learn what they’re like when they’re cranky, hungry and tired, how they navigate GPS, deal with road rage and how they respond when things don’t go according to plan. These are all important markers of who someone is and whether they’re compatible with you.
Do they complain about your music selections? Are they petty about sharing their Coke slurpee? Do they b— and moan when you make a wrong turn or accidentally choose a motel that has cigarette burns in the covers? All good intel!
If you can’t go on a trip for budget or time reasons, other telling activities might include: assembling furniture, cooking an elaborate meal together, interacting with their family and/or hosting a dinner party/brunch/game night. Any complex task that involves team effort will show you how you work together.
And while you’re doing this (hopefully!) fun trip or task, do an internet search for compatibility questions and then ask and answer them together. These should involve:
Money. Everyone’s favorite taboo topic! Questions might entail: Are they a spender or saver? What will they spend their holiday bonus on? (Or, if they had $1,000 dropped in their lap, what would they do with it?) Do they have lots of debt? What’s their credit score? Did their parents fight about money? What amount of income do they think is “comfortable” to live with?
Family. What’s their relationship with their family like. Close? Not so much? Complicated? Does anyone live nearby? What kind of family unit do they imagine for themselves in the future? Do they want kids? Stepchildren? Regular in-law visits? Niece or nephew trips? Fifteen cats and a flying squirrel? And so on. And tangentially related: How do they talk about their exes? If it’s full of “crazy b—es,” that may be a warning sign.
Spirituality. What are their spiritual beliefs? And how important are they? What do they think happens when we die? Is there a heaven or hell? Are they going there? Do they go to church? Do they chant? Do they celebrate Shivaratri? Quantum entanglement? Find out!
Politics. Hopefully you have a little background on their politics by now, but if not you should definitely bring up a few political and social justice issues related to current events — Black Lives Matter, reproductive rights, vaccines, oh my! — and find out if you’re (mostly) in agreement. Or if not, can you respectfully listen to each other and disagree?
Sex. Don’t ignore this one. When we’re in the heady throws of early love (or lust), we tend to think it’s going to be that way forever. But probably the most common question I get is about mismatched desires, particularly in long-term couples. Find out what their sex drive is usually like, and the ideal number of times they’d like to get it on per week. Find out what “sex” even means to them — is it just penetration or does it incorporate many other acts? Find out about kinks and turn-offs and sex toy preferences and if they’re wildly adventurous or more low key. Again, if you’re shy, you can use any compatibility quiz to find this stuff out.
Or bookmark this column and bring it with you. Just remember to be respectful, curious, and shame-free when asking and answering these questions. It’s vulnerable stuff.
Good luck! And don’t hog the Funyuns.
