Dear Anna,
I'm in a new relationship; it’s been about a month or so. I've never been with anyone before (and she knows this), so everything is a new territory for me. We had several dinner dates and somehow all of them involved intense make-out sessions afterwards. (Is this normal? Is that what dating involves?)
I'm flattered that she's interested in me that way, but now I'm starting to wonder if this is just a hookup. I've suggested that we go out and do stuff together (bowling, museums, etc.), but she declined. She says she doesn't like crowded places (ever, not just because of COVID), or that she's tired from work. Then, she tells me that she's going camping with a close girl friend for a week.
I'm jealous, but I don't want to be clingy. Now, I'm afraid to have sex with her (more so than before) because I feel like she might just leave me afterwards. Am I overthinking this? — Confused Virgin
Dear CV,
Yes, you’re dating! Casually dating, but dating nonetheless. And yes, dating tends to involve activities like dinner and frenching. I suspect you already know this, deep down, but if you’re really confused, then there it is. Meals and groping are things that tend to occur when you date someone.
My guess is that your confusion and angst is coming less from fear of breaking the STRICT DATING RULES (because there aren’t any really) and more because you don’t know where you stand with this girl.
This is understandable.
Also, I have no idea what she has against bowling or museums, because those are objectively great dates.
First thing’s first. Hookups vary from dating in a few key ways. Hookups tend to involve sex and not a lot of conversation or emotional involvement. (And by “sex,” I mean that broadly. Not just penetration.) In ideal circumstances, a hookup is explicitly agreed to before anything goes down, but that’s not always the case — especially as we grow more and more conflict-avoidant as a species. (Yay, us!)
Dating tends to (but doesn’t always) involve activities other than just sex. These include meals/drinks, walks, cultural events (art, music, sports) and so on, with the hopes of establishing a deeper and more meaningful connection as time goes on. The biggest difference between hookups and dating is intention. That said, if you’d rather have sex for the first time with someone who will stick around for a minute, you should communicate that to her.
Now, the “close friend” camping trip. If it’s upsetting to you, then by all means ask her if this gal is more than a friend. Keep the conversation casual and you won’t come off as clingy. Try to remain curious and open when you ask about it. And be prepared to get an answer you may not like.
The bigger concern, at least from my vantage point, is that you appear to be placing a lot of expectations on this one gal to show you all the dating ropes. But she might not play that role for you. She might show you one measly rope and then you’ll realize you’re not compatible. Or she’ll show you a few ropes, enough to make a nice lanyard, and then move on. Or, who knows, you might fall madly in love and shun all bowling alleys forever.
The other, larger, point of dating, though, is to HAVE FUN! Are you having any fun? Are you enjoying learning about a new person and the making? Are you dating other people? You might want to, because it’ll alleviate some pressure you are feeling. Plus, the only way to get dating experience is to go on dates.
So with that in mind, chillax a little. Focus on the here and now and ask yourself what it is you even want from this girl, and from dating in general. Do you want a serious girlfriend? Do you want to meet new people and have fun? Do you want someone to do activities and make out with while you get more comfortable with the idea of sexytimes?
Try not to worry about whether you’re “doing it wrong” — You’re not! We are all just making it up! — and to ask yourself instead what it is you’d like from a romantic or sex partner. What would you like to get out of this experience of getting to know one particular person and can you be OK with some uncertainty? Can you look at your life as a great adventure, one you might not have all the answers to but can nevertheless find enjoyment in?
As the poet Rainer Maria Rilke once said, “Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.”
