Dear Anna,
How do I stop mistaking sex for love? — Forced Expectations Engender Love Sickness
Dear FEELS,
Sometimes sex feels like love. The heady, hormonal cocktail (oxytocin and dopamine, for starters) released during sex and while falling in love are similar, and can lead people to think that smooshing one’s junk with another person’s junk is nothing short of SUBLIME and has one dreaming of joint checking accounts.
If heeding those passionate impulses leads you to feeling bad about yourself later, however, then the easiest fix is to wait a bit before jumping in the sack with a new person. Time is the greatest boner-killer. Put that on a billboard.
You don’t have to be chaste, though. Do other stuff! Makeout, grind (it’s not just fun in high school), be handsy, dance dirty. Just check in with yourself. If a sexy activity leaves a bad taste in your mouth (not literally, though that too), then trust those instincts and course-correct.
Dear Anna,
I want to try anal but I’m terrified.— Bend Over Tactics To Objectify Me
Dear BOTTOM,
Start small, use a lot of lube (my go-to is Sliquid Silk) and stop if it hurts. Listen to your body! Some days are more conducive to butt play than others. Also, probiotics keep you regular and make things less messy.
Dear Anna,
I don’t feel like I’m ready for sex yet. I just turned 21. Is something wrong with me? — Wondering About Intercourse Tonight
Dear WAIT,
Nope. But at least you can enjoy a glass of wine while you wait.
Dear Anna,
How do I get strangers to stop asking me if my husband is my brother? We’re gay and look nothing alike! — Handsome, Out Motherf—er Over Silliness
Dear HOMOS,
Look the person square in the eye, say, “Yes, we are brothers!” and then makeout with him furiously and pornily. This won’t stop future annoying questions from happening, but it’ll definitely stop the present line of inquiry. Also, I’m sorry. This happens to tons of queer couples and it’s very irritating.
Dear Anna,
A male friend told me that he masturbated to my Instagram photos. When I told him that weirded me out, he made it seem like it was “normal” and “every guy does it.” Am I being overly sensitive here? — I’m Needing Some Truthful Advice
Dear INSTA,
“Normal” doesn’t exist, and even if “every guy” jerks off to their friends’ social media feeds, which they don’t — I’ve polled every man alive and a few who are dead, so I know — the only thing that matters in this scenario is that you don’t like it/want to hear about it, told him as much, and he dismissed your perfectly reasonable and valid response to an inappropriate comment.
My guess is he probably has a crush on you or wants to be FWBs and that was his slightly underhanded way of giving you the modern equivalent of a piece of paper with two check boxes saying, “Do you like me? Yes or no.” Since your response amounted to a rejection that hurt his feelings, he instead went on the offense and tried to make you feel bad for having boundaries. Either way, don’t ever apologize for having feelings, especially when people share spank bank fodder that you didn’t ask for.
