Dear Anna,
I am in my 20s, and am very certain of my sexuality and gender identity as a straight, cisgender male. However, both in my personal life and in my media consumption, I find myself most often connecting emotionally to lesbian and WLW (women who love women) characters and relationships. I don't have a ton of close male friends (most of my closest friends are women), and actively have chosen a career in women's sports. I've always been very in tune with the LGBTQIA+ community and am an active and vocal ally.
I don't have any desire to transition, and do not believe myself to be nonbinary or transgender, so I guess I'm just curious as to how "normal" or common this phenomenon might be. I'm comfortable in being a weird outlier, I just felt like I needed to get this off my chest to someone who has a bit more knowledge than me. — A Consistently and Comfortably Confused Fellow
Dear ACCCF,
I think you’re fantastic. You’re setting a shining example of what straight, cisgender maleness can be. And should be, in my opinion.
(Spoiler: It’s so much more than toxic masculinity would have us believe.)
We’re not limited by our identities, our genders, our abilities or disabilities, our careers, our families, our politics or our consumption habits. And I would encourage you to do away with the concept of “normalcy” in general, which serves no purpose other than to reinforce the status quo.
In the toxic masculinity mind frame, men don’t show emotions (other than aggression or bragging), they depend on no one, they bear all pain in silence, and they seek dominance over everyone and everything, especially those who don’t abide by the same toxic belief system.
People who reject the toxic masculinity mind frame (particularly other cis, straight men) risk rejection, harassment or outright violence. And that’s not even mentioning the cost to themselves. Denying emotions causes them to come out in other ways — through reckless or dangerous behaviors, aggression, drug and alcohol abuse, and the many, many repercussions that follow violence (physical, emotional, mental, financial, societal). They’re less likely to seek necessary health care (and mental health care), to die sooner and alone.
Toxic masculinity says there’s one way to be a man.
Healthy masculinity says there are like, four, at least. (Just kidding. There are as many ways to be a “man” as there are tears in an episode of "Queer Eye.")
All this is to say, if you’re a “weird outlier,” ACCCF, then we’d do well to have more weird outliers like you on our side. You don’t have to be a lesbian or a woman to enjoy sapphic stories, characters or culture. You don’t have to be queer or femme to like women’s sports or be an ally or support queer causes. You don’t have to stake a claim on an identity in order to appreciate the richness it has to offer.
So get comfortable being uncomfortable. Reject normal. “Normal” is a failure of our potential and imagination. Let beauty and love and compassion and kindness govern you. Exhaust your days with the choices and people and actions and stories that make your heart sing. That’s the only normal that’s worth a damn.
