Dear Anna,
I recently went through a breakup and every time I think I’m finally starting to get over him something happens to prevent me from that, and then he gives me mixed signals. One time I was talking to a guy and he completely comes out of nowhere and interrupts our conversation. I’m wondering if you have any tips for this. — Not Quite Over It
Dear NQOI,
You need a real break. One that doesn’t involve talking, hanging out, texting, social media stalking or … inviting him on your dates. That’s probably not what you described above, but why was your ex-boyfriend there in the first place? If he’s giving you mixed signals, then it’s on you to stop receiving them. Give yourself the time and space you need to get over him, to grieve the relationship and to heal.
I know it’s not easy. But the short term joy you’ll get from seeing him, from hoping you’ll get back together, from having him in your life in some small way isn’t worth the long-term pain of muddling through this in-between purgatory state. Instead, distract yourself with other things. Cultivate pieces of yourself you’ve let languish. Seek friends. Seek hobbies. Seek any and every joy you can get your hands on. (And a Hitachi.)
You’re not ready to be friends with your ex, not yet anyway. So don’t be. It’s not a weakness or a flaw to admit you need more time and space. Breakups are hard, but prolonging the agony by hanging out with him when you’re not in a good place to do so is just going to make the pain worse.
———
Dear Anna,
My boyfriend likes to fantasize about me with men with huge penises, specifically that I give them head and swallow. It’s not just fantasy though, he wants me to actually do it, and says this is the way he reaches great orgasms. When he sees I don’t like or want to do this, he becomes emotionally distant. I want to know how I can help him and the reason for his fantasies. — Loss Over A Dick
Dear LOAD,
These kinds of questions make me so sad. You’re not responsible for your boyfriend’s hurt feelings. You’re not responsible for realizing his fantasy either, if it’s not something you want to do (which it’s clear that you don’t.) His cuckolding fetish is not one you share, and is unfortunately a kink that involves your body and consent — hence, you have ultimate veto power. There’s a big difference between fantasizing about something and doing it in reality, especially when it involves potentially risky behavior, like swallowing a stranger’s semen.
You’ve indulged your boyfriend verbally, you’ve been a good sport about it in the fantasy realm, but you’ve drawn a (healthy) boundary around a sexual act you’re not interested in doing in real life. There’s nothing to apologize for or feel bad about or to understand even. If the tables were turned and you had a fantasy about watching your boyfriend gag on a huge dick, how do you think he would respond to that?
You have every right to say no to things you don’t want to do and so does he. That’s how good sex works. If your boyfriend is going to pout when you tell him no, or try to guilt you into doing what you don’t want to do by withholding emotional intimacy, I suggest you tell him to knock it off or you’re going to find a different boyfriend.
