Dear Anna,
I'm pregnant with my ex's baby. He told me to terminate it. I told him no, and I've been texting him, but now he isn't replying to any of my texts or calls. What should I do? — Torn
Dear Torn,
I’m so sorry to hear that your ex is avoiding you and that he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his and your future child. I sincerely hope you have other people in your life whom you can call on to help you, since it seems bleakly obvious that your ex-turned-baby-daddy isn’t going to step up.
Just as you can’t force anyone to love you who doesn’t, you also can’t force a man to be a father or have a relationship with his child. You can’t force anyone to do anything when it comes to relationships, certainly not because it’s the right or good or moral thing to do.
While that is undeniably shitty, and while I think you should keep trying to communicate with your ex and sending him updates, I would also encourage you to make all of your decisions going forward in ways that reflect the reality of the situation — namely that you’re going this alone. Not with his help. Not as a couple. Alone. (This assumes you’re forgoing adoption, which is also a possibility available to you.)
That said, while you can’t force your ex to be a father, in an emotional or physical sense, you can compel him to have a financial relationship with his child — that is, pay child support — and I would strongly encourage you to go through the legal channels to make this happen. According to the American Pregnancy Association, paternity can now be proven after 9 or 10 weeks.
Elsewhere, surround yourself with people who can provide love and support, as your ex has not proven to be someone you can rely on. Ask for help. What resources — emotional, financial, social, governmental — can you tap into? What will you need to do or change or overhaul when you become a mother? What will you do about work? About child care? If you don’t have such support now, how will you get it? If you need it, one potential place to start is SingleMom.com, which lists a number of assistance options in the areas of health care, housing, food, child care and more.
You can’t make anyone show up for you. You can only show up for yourself, and fight like hell for those in your life who do show up.
At the end of the day, a good life is one you make for yourself, in spite of the disappointments, the losses and the hardships. So make the best life you can. I know you have it in you.
