Dear Anna,
Where can I find a phone lesbian date now? — Sent from my iPad
Dear SFMI,
I’ll fax you the details.
In quasi-seriousness, try Lex. It’s a text-based personals app for queer, trans, gender nonconforming and nonbinary folks seeking friendship, zine swaps, hookups, ever-lasting love and everything in between. There are no photos allowed and it has a very retro vibe that includes people asking for phone dates. This will be easier than time-traveling back to 1985, which is the other option.
Dear Anna,
I’d like to incorporate more food into my sex life, but like, chocolate sauce is so boring and I don’t want to get a yeast infection. What should I add or avoid? — Earn A Trifle
Dear EAT,
If you’re talking penis-in-vagina sex or anal sex, then yes, you’ll want to avoid anything with sugar, including any wayward chocolate sauce, which can mess with the delicate flora of your insides. You’ll also want to avoid anything (unless it’s your fetish) that burns your mouth, which, perhaps predictably, also burns other things. That means no hot sauce, jalapenos or caustic spices like chili seasoning, black pepper, cinnamon, ginger, garlic or cayenne. Don’t snort pepper either, no matter what Cosmopolitan magazine says about how it “simulates an orgasm.” IT DOESN’T. (I once tried a sexy cannabis spray that had peppermint oil, which also burned, and not in a fun way. Let my pain be your guide.) You can use rigid vegetables for insertion — carrots, cucumbers, zucchini, etc. As long as you wash them first — cover them with a barrier for extra safety. And if trying this with anal play, remember that any “toy” that has no base can slip inside and may need a doctor to remove.
If you’re talking about general food as foreplay, then the world is your oyster, which is not just an expression here, if you catch my drift. (Oysters are considered an aphrodisiac.) When playing with food, avoid areas with delicate membranes or openings, and pay attention to temperature, unlike the guy who had sex with a pizza and burned his … pepperoni.
Dear Anna,
I’m about six months out of a breakup and am trying to get back on the apps again. It’s just as depressing as I remember. I don’t remember it being this hard last time. Is it me or am I doomed to a lifetime of ghosting and negging “alphas”? — Divorced But Not Bitter
Dear DBNB,
Everything worth doing is hard — and that includes finding your next soul mate, or great lay, or Words With Friends buddy. You might not be quite ready to date. It’s hard for me to tell from your short letter. And not to be a kindergarten teacher, but you could probably use an attitude shift. Dating is hard, but it’s not, like, deconstructing-the-Great-Wall-of-China-with-a-spoon hard. If you need a break, then by all means, take one, but realize that you’re not going to be compatible (or even like) the majority of people who flit across your phone screen. Some will ghost or neg you. Some won’t. Try like hell to focus on the good ones and ignore the duds. And remember that your next great someone might be a swipe away.
