Dear Anna,
While my daughter and her boyfriend are saving money for a deposit to move, they are staying with us. Some mornings and evenings I have heard them having sex (or should I say making love, as they are obviously in love?). Naturally, I have no problem with it — they are young, healthy and have needs and love each other. But should I somehow tell one or both that we can hear them? I only ask because I would not like to be thinking people could hear me if I was doing the business. Thanks! — Kind Regards
Dear KR,
What a sweet question. I’m glad to hear you’re supportive of your daughter’s needs as a sexual person. That said, you don’t need to tell them you can hear them “doing the business” unless it’s something that’s greatly bothersome to you, which you say it isn’t. So, no harm no foul.
It’d be one thing if they were keeping you up all night, receiving noise complaints from neighbors or knocking your commemorative spoon collection off the walls. But, as anyone who’s ever lived with roommates can attest, it’s a given that the other people who live in the house will hear you banging, at least sometimes. That’s the price of admission, and a pretty benign one really. So, as long as it doesn’t bug you, keep a lid on it, as it’d likely bother your daughter way more to have an awkward conversation about her mom overhearing her banging.
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Dear Anna,
I'm a lesbian in a long-term relationship. She's amazing and the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I think we still have trust issues. I cheated twice in the past. We broke up. We got back together, so far for a year and a half, and I have changed a lot of things that made her wonder if I was still interested in other women. I'm making arrangements to buy us a house, yet I think she's not seeing or fully aware of everything I'm doing for us.
For instance, we fight every time I tell her I gave a co-worker a ride home (a really good friend of mine) who happens to live near my partner's house. She questions my reasons for staying at work longer than usual or gets mad at me because according to her, I "omit" information when in reality she hasn't even giving me a chance to explain whatever the reason I have for picking her up late (i.e., traffic jam, at work after hours).
Communication is not a problem. I communicate where I am, what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I know this might sound just wrong, but sometimes I take pictures so she knows exactly where I am.
We have talked about our fears and feelings. My big concern is what else can I do to make her understand that I'm truly in love with her and just want to be with HER? I'm really frustrated and I have talked to friends about this, but all they say: it's normal, you have to give her time to adjust after what you did. It's been almost two years already since it happened. — Lesbian Purgatory
Dear LP,
Normal? Hardly. Feeling that you need to submit photographic evidence of your location to a partner who then proceeds to fight with you anyway is a far cry from hunky dory. You’re not on CSI: Sapphic Surveillance.
That said, there is a temporary time period when trust is being rebuilt after an infidelity where your partner is allowed to be irrational and suspicious of your behavior. You can’t discount those heavy feelings that bubble to the surface after a betrayal. That s— stings. But the key word here is “temporary.” If the insecurity and suspicions never recede, as seems to be the case with your girlfriend, then that’s troublesome.
You have given her free reign to your whereabouts, your friendships and your work schedule. You are also working to rebuild your life together and to reestablish the trust you broke when you cheated. At some point though, she either has to acknowledge the things you’re doing and accept you for what you’ve done, or she needs to admit that she can’t get past the past, and end the relationship.
But things can’t stay as they are now or they’ll drive you both crazy — as they already are.
You screwed up, yes, but two years is a long time to hold a partner hostage for it, especially if you plan on spending the rest of your life with her. (Honestly, I would do some serious thinking about this plan.)
Telling her your coordinates isn’t really a solution for the real problem, which is that she still doesn’t trust you. Since it’s been years now, I’d advise you to seek the counsel of a couple’s therapist, who can help you work through the deeper hurts and vulnerabilities at play here.
Experiencing jealousy in a relationship is totally normal and healthy, even when cheating isn’t an issue. Many of us feel a little icky when we think our partners might want someone who isn’t us. And talking out this ickiness is essential for successful and functional relationships. But what your girlfriend is doing is using her insecurities and your past infidelities to endlessly punish you. That’s not okay and it’s not the path to moving on.
