Dear Anna,
A few weeks ago I made plans with a friend to go to her place and catch up over dinner and wine. Two of her roommates ended up joining us for drinks. As we downed four bottles of wine, Roomie A spent a lot of time talking about her boyfriend. At some point, I realized Roomie A and I were holding hands under the table. I'm not really sure how that happened but it escalated. We would continue talking normally to the other two girls, while feeling each other up under the table. When we ran out of wine, we all decided to call it a night and go to bed, and Roomie A and I slept together.
When we said goodbye the next morning, she kissed me and said we should keep in touch, but I was very aware of her boyfriend at that point, so I did not ask for her number, a decision I both support and regret. I have always been completely against cheating, but our chemistry was so great and the sex was so fabulous that I wonder if I should try to contact her. She did mention it was her first time with a woman. She's 33 and I'm 29, so it's not like we are horny teens, although we acted like them. I really like her but at the same time don't want to be that girl trying to turn a one night stand into something else. I'm torn between the voice of reason and my hormones. Should I make any further attempt to contact her? It's been two weeks and I can’t get her of my head so, what to do? — Karma's Little B—h
Dear KLB,
You can contact her if you like, but you should know (and I think you do know) that the situation’s not gonna shake out like you want it to. At best, you’ll have an affair until you get caught or one of you gets bored or paranoid or starts feeling too guilty to continue. At worst, you’ll get your heart broken and be at least partly responsible for messing up someone else’s relationship on purpose. Either of those sound more fun than option three, which is accepting you had a fun night with a fun girl and leaving it well alone?
But Anna, I hear you protesting in your mind, maybe this 99% straight girl with literally one night of lady-lovin’ experience will leave her boyfriend, shack up with a girl she barely knows, and then we’ll live happily ever after, constructing dream catchers and raising chickens somewhere in New Mexico!
Not to be a Debbie DontGoDownOnEr, but I think we both know the likelihood of that last scenario coming true.
I’d rather you not end up as one of those hopelessly-in-the-muck girls down the road, KLB. Instead, I want you to accept the night for the temporary and joyous collision that it was. Be happy, be thrilled that you connected with someone so quickly and intimately. That’s great and it’s rare — relish it, and then let it go.
How do you let it go? By staying relentlessly grounded in the reality of the present. You’re no longer a “horny teenager,” as you say. You’re an adult-ass lady who has been around the block enough times to know that too many left turns will lead you back to square one (or, to put it in more karmic terms, what goes around comes around).
Life is already chock-full of pain and obstacles as it is. You don’t need to go driving yourself over any unnecessary cliffs, if you can help it. Choose another road this time. Preferably one less straight.
Dear Anna,
I started talking with this guy online about six weeks ago. The thing is, he doesn’t seem to want to get offline and actually meet me in person. Whenever I bring it up, he says he’s busy or makes excuses. How long is it okay to keep things “online” before I call it quits? — I’m Really Languishing
Dear IRL,
Different people have different thresholds for how long they’re willing to wait to meet someone from ye olde internete. Some people need more time and checks to feel safe. Some have social anxiety. Some are just bored and don’t plan on ever meeting anyone. Some are catfishing (pretending to be someone else). And so on.
Though generally speaking — and barring unforeseen circumstances, like needing to travel constantly for work, or having a bunch of other partners to tend to — I’d say one calendar month is a good bar to aim for. If you can’t make an in-person date happen within 30 days of texting/chatting/emailing, then why bother?
Judging from your letter, you’ve already reached Peak Frustration, so the time to call it quits is now.
And while I won’t speculate too much about what might be going on with this dude, (workaholic? secretly married? secretly a dog?), the bigger takeaway is: If something or someone is annoying you this much now, when you haven’t even met, it’s unlikely to change in the future.
Cut your losses. Then get back on that magical pony ride of possibilities known as the World Wide Web and find yourself another man.
