Dear Anna,
I don’t like people very much. But I do enjoy sex a lot. How do I reconcile these two conflicting aspects of myself? — Torn
Dear Torn,
People have sex with people they don’t like all the time. Hell, I’d say 70% of the sex I had in my 20s was devoted to this very thing. Follow in the footsteps of just about everyone throughout history and have a few drinks before you meet up with said person you don’t like very much. Bam! Temporary attraction.
If you still don’t want to bang them with beer goggles on, then you’ll have to wait until you find someone you genuinely like. Depending on how judgmental you are, it might be a minute.
Dear Anna,
I’m a bisexual female in my early 30s and I’m not looking for a relationship. However, lately, when I try to have no-strings-attached hookups, inevitably the guy or girl wants to cuddle, sleep over, send me poetry and introduce me to their friends. I’m not here for that. Aside from being upfront about what I’m after (which I am, BTW!), is there anything else I can do? — Finding Love Is Not Great
Dear FLING,
You might think you’re being upfront, but if you have very specific ideas and rules about what you do and don’t want to go down before, during or after these NSA hookups, then you’re gonna have to be even more explicit about them. For instance, sleeping over doesn’t have to fall into “girlfriend” territory — it can also be a simple courtesy, especially if it’s 4 a.m. and/or your sex partner has had a few drinks and doesn’t want to drive. Poetry is perhaps a little more loosey-goosey, so if it’s a really rampant problem, then nip it in the bud before ye rosebuds have a chance to gather. (Sorry, Robert Herrick. But also, if ever there was a poem dedicated to hook ups, it was his.)
Everyone has their own ideas of what the “strings” are in no-strings-attached arrangements. If certain aspects of the intimacy surrounding sex bother you, then speak up about them early and often so the other person knows the rules before they can break them (intentionally or not). Put these rules in your dating profile. Bring them up in conversation. Make sure your expectations are super clear before anything physical happens. The more explicit you can be about your likes and dislikes, the easier it’ll be for your sex partners to not cuddle party you while showering you with rhyming couplets.
Dear Anna,
I’m a 36-year-old single father. I have been always been attracted to lesbians and I wish to have one. When I am asked about this desire, I don’t know how to put it or how to introduce myself. I’ve read about: omnisexual, pansexual, polysexual, asexual, bisexual, homosexual, etc. But I don’t fall into any of these groups, so please tell me what I am and what led to this attraction? — What Am I
Dear WAI,
You are a heterosexual man. From the Greek heteros (meaning: other (of two), another, different) and the Latin sexual (relating to sex). You are attracted to women. Lesbians are women. This is not a mystery and you do not get a special sexuality badge for your extremely commonplace attraction. You seem genuinely distraught by this basic fact, and that, to me, is the real mystery.
Lesbian sex is literally the most common fantasy in the world. According to 2018 data from two of the most popular porn sites in the world, (Pornhub and YouPorn), “lesbian" was the most-searched term — and it has been for years. Have you contributed to this data? My guess is you have.
If you want to go rooting around in your fantasy brain, you could dig a little deeper and ponder the questions: What is it, exactly, that you find so attractive? Is it lesbian aesthetics? The jorts or mullets or high heels or denim vests or combat boots or flannel? Is it the unavailability, i.e., wanting what you can’t have? Is it the taboo?
But really, why bother? A fantasy is a fantasy. Knowing more about the WHY of it doesn’t make it go away or make it less hot. Rather than wonder or agonize endlessly about something that requires zero wonderment or agonizing, I would encourage you instead to file this desire away as the (perfectly fine and healthy) fantasy that it is, and focus your real world energies on finding other heterosexual or bi women who might be attracted to you.
PS: Lesbians aren’t something you acquire like a plastic salad bowl from the Dollar Tree.
