Dear Anna,
I’m seeing this guy — nothing official yet but dates and sex regularly. It’s mostly good, but my big complaint is that he never compliments me on my appearance, my personality or any of the effort I put into planning our dates. Not even the sex, which does not make me feel special or desired. When I brought this up to him, he said “compliments can’t be forced,” which made me feel even worse. What’s going on here? — Putting Real Acknowledgment Into Sexy Efforts
Dear PRAISE,
Oof. What a crappy thing to say to someone you’re dating/banging regularly. So dismissive and unkind. If it’s that hard for him to think of a single nice thing to say to you now, in the early, theoretically uncomplicated days, when people are generally on their best behavior, then this does not bode well for your future. If words of affirmation are important to you, and you’ve told him directly that it’s important to you, and he still can’t be bothered to throw you a bone after you bone (or during or before), it’s not a good fit, PRAISE. Accept it and get out now before you develop bigger feelz.
And, as a general soapbox aside, it’s a common courtesy to compliment the people we date, especially in the early stages, when much preparation, clothing choice, grooming and emotional labor go into it. No one is saying you have to write a sonnet about anyone’s clavicle, but a “Hey, that’s a nice dress,” will go a long way in showing your dates, your friends with benefits and your booty calls that you are acknowledging the work they put into looking good for you.
Dear Anna,
I have several close female friends, and go out with them regularly, for drinks, to the gym, swimming and so on. Most of the time, I meet with them one on one, not in groups. I don’t want to date my female friends, but I am wondering why no one tries to introduce me to their single women friends? I don't have a girlfriend. In fact, I never have, and would like one. — Friend Zoned
Dear FZ,
Have you asked your friends to introduce you to their single friends? Most people don’t like to be set up, and as such, most people don’t like to do the setting up, especially if such matchmaking is unwanted. In your case, you do want to be set up, so it would behoove you to be direct about this to your lady friends. They might not want to for reasons I can only conjecture, though I will say, the fact that you’ve never had a girlfriend is a potential red flag for many women. (This is less so if you’re 21 but more so if you’re 41. Unless you have a really good reason, such as the gentleman who wrote in a few weeks ago.)
A good friend, however, cares about your heart, and as such will likely help you make potential love connections, even if it’s just inviting a single person out with you while you play squash or whatever. A good friend will likely also point out ways you might make yourself more attractive to others — if there are areas where you might improve. Again, I’m conjecturing. But if the reason you haven’t landed a girlfriend is due to something easily fixable — hygiene, clothing, haircut — your female friends will likely point these out to you. (Compassionately, I hope.) Take heart, however! You’re starting from a good place. Men who have close female friends are a big plus in my book. (And in many other women’s eyes, as well.) They tend to be more empathetic, and this leads to, according to one study at least, approximately 1.8 more girlfriends than those who aren’t empathetic.
So start putting those feelers out with your lady friends. You never know which ones are dying to be modern yentas.
