Dear Anna,
I am interested in having sex with one of my friends. Usually I need some kind of emotional attachment for sex so this works out. The problem is that the attachment between us could be compared to the best attachment on the vacuum cleaner, you know the one that never comes off the hose because you don't need any of the others? I don't want our friendship to be ruined because I value it so much, but I dig it, you know? Is it worth it? Is there any amount of open communication that can make it OK? — Oh Not Sure Why I Too Can't Have 'im?
Dear ON SWITCH,
A wise person once said, "You don't get to choose your relatives but you do get to choose the friends you want to chitty chitty bang bang."
(It was me.)
I wish there was a tried and true answer to these kinds of questions. But it really depends. Sometimes it works out great, and other times, it’s like taking a vacuum cleaner attachment to one’s tender parts (to use your metaphor). If you’re the kind of person who tends to fall for those they bang, and you’re trying to avoid that, then maybe don’t ride that pony. But if you’re able to separate those sexy feelings and romantic feelings, then it might be a great arrangement for a little while.
But on to the nitty gritty of the chitty chitty. Establish a few ground rules about your boning. For instance, how do you feel about sleepovers? Cuddling? Frequency? You don't need to sign a waiver or anything (except for the snorkeling equipment), but you do need to have an inkling about what you both want, to make sure you don't have wildly different ideas of what casual hookups can mean. For instance, is this a one-time deal, a semi-regular late-night booty call, or whenever "The Daily Show" comes on? Despite all the hullabaloo about sex RUINING THINGS, we as a species are more than capable of engaging in casual, healthy sexual relationships with people we mutually respect. And what are friends for really if not to tell you when you have spinach in your teeth and to give you a reach around?
Other friendly sex perks: You know the person already and don't have to go through the ritual small talk of pretending to be interested in his/her/their manga collection or crypto theories. Also, since you trust your friend, you're more likely to be able to articulate what you want in bed, thus sidestepping the potentially awkward conversation about your wall of nipple clamps.
TL;DR: Just be honest with yourself. If sex to you means commitment or picking out His & Her tracksuits, you might want to rethink fluid exchange as the next relationship step. If, however, sex to you is just a more pleasant way of getting through the latest Will Ferrell movie, then by all means, get that cake.
Dear Anna,
I'm a lesbian in my late 20s. I have been together with my wife for almost 10 years. We married young, I love her dearly and she is definitely my soulmate, the one I want to have a family with and the one I want to grow old with.
However, a couple of years ago she cheated on me. With a dude. Long story short, at the time she came to me and told me that she wanted to try and be with a man. (She was a gold star.) We talked about it on and off, and I wasn't crazy about the idea. She kept telling me she just needed to try it once to get it out of her system, and I eventually gave in after having her promise me it was only going to be that one time. We made the deal that she got a "green card" to try it with a guy once and that I didn't want to know who it was, but that I would also have a "green card" to be with another person once. A few months later she confessed to me that she had been seeing this one guy several times. They broke it off completely and they haven't seen each other since, but I was devastated for a while.
Then six months ago I went on a business trip out of the country. I had an instant connection with one woman in particular and one drink led to another, and we made out for hours. A few nights later, we ended up in bed together.
Part of me felt really weird the day after. I felt like I had betrayed my wife, even though I had a green light to be with someone else. Not going to lie though, another part of me felt a little relieved. Like I had taken back the part of myself that she had hurt so much by cheating on me.
I didn't see the girl again after that trip, but now we have ended up working in the same company. We see each other often and sometimes work on the same projects and go to the same meetings. Sometimes we also go out together (in a bigger group) for private events and we have started becoming good friends. But I feel like I am going crazy. I can't tell my wife about it because she will make me quit my job instantly and it's the best job I've ever had. Secondly there is a weird vibe between the girl and I. We've talked shortly about it after starting work together. We were both extremely attracted to each other, but it was a one night stand. I've tried to think really hard about it and I'm not attracted to her the same way anymore, but there is constantly a weird vibe between us — essentially because we were intimate together and because no one can ever know — and it's causing me to constantly think about her and about those nights together.
Can you please tell me how to get my s— together? I feel like I can't perform properly at work, like I'm not giving it my 110% with my wife, and I feel like it's hurting what I eventually would like to become a friendship between the girl and I, and I'm pretty sure she feels the same way. — Please Help
Dear PH,
You need to tell your wife what happened.
If this girl was someone you were never going to see again, I’d say you could keep it to yourself, but that is not the case. You work together now, see her often and would like to be friends. Honesty and integrity are the only ways that’s going to happen.
I don’t know why your wife would “make” you quit your job, but you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. (And indeed, you shouldn’t. Have you seen the economy lately??) That’s an unreasonable demand for a situation that is relatively mild in comparison. If she’s jealous (and I’m sure she will be), that is something you’ll have to work through together, and she may impose boundaries on this new friendship, which you’ll have to negotiate. But you didn’t really do anything to violate the agreed-upon rules of your relationship and the “green card” arrangement.
The reason I’m opposed to these kinds of “don’t ask, don’t tell” situations is that it often forces us to lie to our partners, which often ends up making us feel crappier and affair-esque in the long run. You didn’t want to know about your wife’s sextracurricular partner, but she told you anyway, and I encourage you to do the same thing.
Coming clean about what happened will also help to alleviate the weirdness between you and the other girl and help ensure it doesn’t happen again, especially after a few drinks at the company picnic. Plus, the secretive nature of what happened is making you obsess about it. Coming clean will take the sizzle out of it and give you a fighting chance of keeping things platonic between you.
This talk with your wife is not going to be fun. It’s going to be hard and she’s going to have feelings about it, but it’s also necessary if you don’t want to let this one incident come between you and your relationship (or affect your job even more than it already is).
So suck it up and face the unpleasantness. It’s not as dire as it seems, and if you could get over your wife’s own betrayal of your trust, she can surely get over your totally agreed upon “green card” fling.
But only if you tell the truth about it and don’t let that shizz fester any more than it already is.
Good luck, PH! It’s gonna be OK.
