Dear Anna,
I am ethnic Chinese, my wife is Caucasian (originally from Ukraine), and we've been married for 2 years. My wife and I are a couple that is committed to being together and respect one another. We have an adopted baby. My wife comes from a spiritual/religious background; she has a calling to work in ministry. My wife serves in a ministry-supported charity center during weekends for foreigners (most guests are from developing nations).
There is a Black young man who recently came from Sudan. He is very direct. He really likes my wife, he has told her that he "loves" her. My wife feels a little embarrassed. She tried to explain to him that she is married and also probably too old for him (because he is only 19). I had an ethical and compassionate discussion with my wife about this young man. She struggled but finally admitted that she is attracted to his youth, masculinity and virility. I think she wants to have his baby!
I feel jealous and insecure but strangely excited to see them interact closely. I love my wife very much, but I am frightened to realize I want my wife to have a deep connection and union of love, spirituality and sexuality with this Black young man or other virile Black men, hoping this would also enrich our relationship and marriage. Is this desire normal? I know this transition will change our marriage forever. I feel ashamed and unconfident about myself. I need help in order to have the courage to share whom I hold dearest to me while I stay monogamous just to her. — Bashful But Curious
Dear BBC,
I find your letter oddly sweet. I get many cuckolding questions but very few involving lady priests and their would-be teenage lovers!
That you want your wife to be happy, fulfilled and able to act on her attraction to someone else is a very loving gesture. People in polyamorous circles call the feeling “compersion,” which basically means you experience pleasure at the thought of your wife’s pleasure, even if that pleasure involves sexual or romantic feelings for someone else. Cuckolding is sort of like compersion, but with a twist. It’s when your wife experiences pleasure with someone else and it makes you feel “bad” (ashamed, insecure), and then “good” (because you’re happy for her, and because taboos and degradation can be hot).
That said, I think you’re getting ahead of yourself here. Your wife told you about her attraction to this young man and you jumped immediately to her wanting to have his baby. There are A LOT of steps in between here and there, and I’d encourage you to hold off on making any assumptions about something that’s so life-altering until and unless she explicitly says “I want to have his baby.” Admitting attraction to someone also doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to act on it.
There are a number of extremely compelling reasons why she might NOT want to pursue this person. The first is her relationship with you (and the baby you’re raising together!) and wanting to honor those commitments. The second is her religious faith, which tends to frowns on sex outside of marriage. The third is, if word got out about this, it could severely compromise her position in the charity organization she serves, her church and the ministry in general. That might not be a risk she wants to take, no matter how hot, virile or masculine this person may be.
Plus, I’m not sure the precise nature of your wife’s charity work, but there are some big ethical alarm bells going off for me about the power differentials in this situation. This man is in a position of vulnerability (as a Black man, as a foreigner who just moved to the United States, as a barely legal teenager and as someone who may have a limited support system or none to call on).
So, BBC, if, after considering all these potential complications and deciding it’s still something you both want to pursue, then I would choose another person to start this journey. I would also do some research on cuckolding and find some online support groups and sites to share your fears, excitements and insecurities with. While the word “normal” isn’t especially useful when it comes to sexuality, online you’ll find plenty of people who share your particular desire, which may also help with those feelings of shame and confidence you mentioned in your letter.
All that said, you and your wife are starting from a good place. Your marriage is happy, supportive and respectful. You’re able to talk about your desires openly and honestly, which is way more than can be said of most. These are great foundational markers for opening up your relationship, if you decide to go that route with someone down the road. In the meantime, keep those lines of communication open, explore cuckolding first as a fantasy, do some research and go from there.
