Dear Anna,
My girlfriend and I have been together for four months. We’re at a crossroads now. Why? Because I want to be monogamous and she wants to be in an open relationship. Are we doomed? — Monogamy Or Not, Otherwise Great
Dear MONOG,
Quite possibly! Generally when two people don’t want the same big things in a relationship it doesn’t bode well for longevity. For instance, if one wants to get married and the other doesn’t. If one wants kids and the other doesn’t. If one believes a hot dog is a sandwich while the other believes it’s a taco. Et cetera.
It’s hard for me to tell from your short letter, MONOG, but here’s a tiny bit of encouragement. I was super into monogamy when I started dating my former partner, and she was not. We decided to fall in love anyway, like idiots, and not worry too much about the repercussions.
About two years into our relationship, I discovered that I wasn’t actually all that into monogamy after all, and we opened that door a tiny bit. When that proved to be OK, we opened it a little bit further, established boundaries and rules, and tentatively and respectfully went about our merry, slutty ways.
While it took us years to get to a place where we were comfortable and trusting enough to make polyamory work, if you had asked me four months into our tryst, I probably would have said I didn’t want to be in an open relationship.
So, yes, sometimes people can and do change. Then again, sometimes they don’t. Or sometimes they change in ways that don’t always thrill their partners.
What I would do is have a good long talk with your girlfriend and find out where your hard lines are when it comes to being together. What will you absolutely not compromise on? What would maybe be OK in the right circumstances? What are you fine with? You might find that there’s more middle ground for you to work with than you think. You also might find that she simply needs more time to figure things out (or that you need more time).
If, after this talk, it seems like you’re not as compatible as you previously thought, it might be time to cut the cord and spare yourselves the anguish.
Best of luck, MONOG.
Dear Anna,
It’s been months since she dumped me and I haven’t gone on a single date. Am I still in love with my ex because I haven’t met anyone worthwhile yet, or have I not been attracted to anyone because I’m still in love with my ex? — Ex-Factor
Dear EF,
You could analyze this kind of chicken-or-egg breakup dilemma to death, but it won’t do your heart much good.
Are you really still in love with your ex or are you merely having a tough time recovering from a serious breakup? It could be both. It takes time to fall in love and it takes time to fall out of love, even though we may feel pressure to “get over” a breakup as fast as humanly possible. But it doesn’t happen overnight.
Here’s what I think is going on: It’s taking you longer than you thought it would take to get over your ex and it’s freaking you out. You feel that you SHOULD be over her by now and on to the next phase of courting and spooning and forking the days and nights away. But that’s not happening.
In many ways, you probably AREN’T entirely over her, even though you realize that you were wrong for each other. And that’s OK. There’s no “correct” way to heal from a breakup, and there’s certainly no set time period. So don’t force it. If you’re not into dating, don’t.
Focus on other aspects of your life that need tending. Learn to macrame or how to start an ASMR series where you brush your cat or write touching pen pal letters to friends, far-flung family members, authors you admire, prisoners — whomever. Live your life as if being in a relationship isn’t the sole reason to get out of bed each morning. Because it’s not. Far from it.
And try not to debate endlessly with yourself over hypotheticals. If you find yourself wallowing in stuckness, go out and do something nice for five people. They can be friends or strangers, and the gestures can be impromptu or organized. Tell an old teacher how much you learned from them. Take your mom out for tapas just because. Compliment a stranger on her cowboy boots. Volunteer. Just get out of that mad bubble of the mind for a while and make other people feel good about themselves. It works wonders to relieve some of the ache and gets us moving.
You’re gonna be great, in your own time and on your own terms. Don’t rush it.
Dear Anna,
Why do I get so jealous when my girlfriend likes a hot girl’s picture on Instagram? Am I just being petty? — I’m Not Sure This Acceptance
Dear INSTA,
Petty? A little. Insecure? Most likely. I mean, is your girlfriend doing this all day or something? Are these “hot girls” also her friends? Or random strangers casually leaning against a wall while mouth-banging an ice cream bar?
Either way, you should aim to figure out what’s the core emotion underneath the jealousy, and then work on addressing that with your partner. Do you need to be told you’re desired and desirable more often? Do either of you have trust issues that could be sussed out? Are you dealing with any body-image worries of late? Determine the root cause of the bad feelings, because odds are that two-dimensional photos of ladies aren’t your real concern.
