Dear Anna,
I think my wife wants to have sex with my sister. How do I ask her? — Seeking Info Seriously
Dear SIS,
I have so many questions. Do you have actions you can point to — texts, emails or specific incidents that have led you to this conclusion? Or do you suspect that there’s a flirtation between your wife and your sister that you’d like to squash but can’t back it up? Or do you want to ask your wife this because you WANT her to sleep with your sister? I genuinely can’t tell from your short letter!
I’m going to assume you’re upset by this potential scenario, but in any case, unless your wife has explicitly told you that she wants to bang your sister, I would not ask her if she wants to bang your sister. It’s a pretty aggressive lead-in, and doesn’t exactly set the stage for an open and honest conversation. Besides, who wouldn’t say no to that question?
If there’s a specific behavior you’ve noticed that you’d like to see changed, this will make the conversation easier to start. For instance, if your wife is egregiously flirting with your sister in front of you, let her know how that affects you, and tell her that you’d appreciate it if she kept such behavior under wraps. You can absolutely ask for boundaries around this type of behavior, as I’m sure your wife similarly would not want you flirting with, say, her brother, or any close relatives for that matter.
That said, even if your wife is flirting with your sister, it’s entirely possible that she sees your sister as “safe,” meaning someone who’s not a threat to her marriage, because she’s a woman (I’m presuming your wife is heterosexual) and, you know, blood-related to you, and therefore someone she can flirt with as she pleases, knowing it won’t go beyond that — as such repercussions would be pretty devastating to a whole lot of people. But again, if such flirtation is impacting you negatively, do bring it up and ask for a change. It’s perfectly reasonable to do so.
If you don’t have a specific incident to point to, then ask empathetic questions and show care for her regard when initiating this talk. Let her know that your marriage is important to you and that you trust her. And don’t assume you know the answers or have all the facts. Be genuinely curious and listen to her. Ask her about your relationship, if she feels desired, loved and appreciated. Ask if there’s anything you can do to make her feel more loved, desired and appreciated — and vice versa. Ask her how she feels about your sex life. Ask her if there’s anything she’d like to talk with you about. Check your defensiveness and your insecurity before you start. If you come from a place of anger and blame, it’ll make it harder to have a genuine conversation.
If you’re not already sure, you could bring up the topic of same-sex attraction with your wife and ask if she’s ever been with women or wanted to be with women. If the answer is yes, then that brings up a host of other questions and potential clarifications to your (again, presumably) monogamous relationship. But I won’t go down too many rabbit holes here, as I don’t know the particulars of your situation.
Shorter: If there’s a specific behavior you’d like changed, ask for it. If there’s not, ask questions with a spirit of openness and not blame to try to get to the root of things.
The best and hardest conversations are the ones that crack you wide open. Let them.
