Dear Anna,
I’m worried that my boyfriend of 1.5 years is cheating on me. I was looking for a computer cord in his work bag and discovered a pair of panties that were obviously not mine, and frankly would never fit me. They’re about twice as large as the size I usually wear. When I brought this up angrily, he accused me of not respecting his privacy and shut the conversation down. It’s been two days and we haven’t spoken. What the hell do I do now? — Perturbed And Nervous To Interpret ExcuseS
Dear PANTIES,
That’s definitely not a fun way to start off the year. And it’s concerning (though sadly common) that your boyfriend would be defensive and shut such a conversation down. He’s clearly up to something, though it might not be cheating.
He might have a cross-dressing fetish, i.e., he might be wearing women’s underwear himself for erotic purposes. If that’s the case, and he’s ashamed of this or feels guilty, then he would likely lie about it or outright deny it. Especially if you, as you said, brought it up in a state of anger.
Not that you were wrong to be angry — it’s an unsettling thing to find strange panties! — but consider the possibility that your boyfriend was potentially hiding a fetish from you that he felt ashamed about and not banging another woman so carelessly as to leave her underwear next to his ID lanyard.
Of course, knowing that he MIGHT have a cross-dressing panty fetish doesn’t help a damn thing if he won’t talk to you about it. So you’re going to have to go back to him and have a more level-headed conversation. You can try to circumvent the shutting down response in a few ways:
Start when you’re both in a calm, regulated place. When we’re angry or upset, it’s extremely difficult to have rational conversations because the part of our brain capable of decision-making (the prefrontal cortex) literally shuts down during conflict. Keep your voice soft and as measured as you can, and start the conversation on the positive, such as by telling your boyfriend that you love him.
Consider having this talk while walking in nature. Some people find it easier to have difficult conversations while walking somewhere pretty. It’s less confrontational when you don’t have to constantly look into another’s eyes, and being outdoors has a calming effect on the nervous system. Even a park or other green space can help if you can’t, like, run off to the woods.
Then, identify the issue and reiterate your feelings. “I was shocked and hurt when I found strange panties in your work bag. Can you help me understand what’s happening here?” Try to stay open and curious and not leap to accusations, which will trigger more defensiveness and shutting down.
Then, listen to his responses. If he continues to not talk about it, i.e., deny reality or accuse you of snooping as a way to avoid responsibility for his actions, then that doesn’t bode well for your relationship continuing. And, of course, if he does talk about it, and he admits to cheating and/or having a fetish, then that’s going to lead to a host of other conversations and you’ll need to decide how you want to proceed (if at all).
But start with the first talk and see where that takes you. Once you get to the root of things, you’ll have a much better idea of what your next steps should be.
