Dear Anna,
Most people who meet me find me outgoing and confident, but put me in front of a pretty girl and I just don’t know how to act. There’s this girl I see all the time, and I know she’s friends with my friends but as soon as I see her I get nervous and try to find other people to talk to and pretend I’m being all aloof and mysterious. Really I know I have loads to talk about, but I don’t know what to say. How do I go from being a rando to cool and savvy? All my friends know I’m totally weird but they say they love my confidence. I just don’t want her first impression of me to be awful. A little advice? — Having Objective Trouble with Good Impressions in Real Life Situations
Dear HOTGIRLS,
Seeming confident is 90% of the battle. Actually feeling confident is a relatively moot point if those around you perceive you to be cool and savvy, which they apparently do already, so congrats, you win!
For a two-minute confidence booster/stress inhibitor, watch Amy Cuddy's TED Talk and learn about power poses and “faking it until you become it.”
Pretty girls are only scary if you allow them to be. Remember that they possess just as much fear, regret and crippling insecurity as the rest of us — they just happen to do so while also looking great in crop tops. If anything, hot girls are probably even more insecure than you because of the cultural pressure to be hot all the time, and from, you know, relentless objectification.
Does that make you feel better? No? Alright fine, it’s time to delve into Pulley’s Pile of Pick-Ups and Persuasion (or PPPUP).
The trick to convincing yourself that you’re confident is largely mental. Tell yourself how awesome you are every day and eventually you’ll start to believe it. Start that now. Make a list with positive traits you’d like to embody, such as, “I am confident. I am smart. I am desirable and interesting to talk to,” etc. Abolish whatever negative self-talk is lurking and replace it with a compliment, even if it feels a little silly or strange. Do it every day.
While you’re working on building up your confidence, start talking to the pretty girl you have your eye on (start talking to anyone, really — practice makes perfect). But don’t talk to her with the intention of seducing her. That’ll just make you anxious. Start simply by saying hi the next time you see her and follow it up with a short conversation starter. Some examples:
Hi, you’re friends with my friends but I don’t really know you. What’s your name?
Hi, do you like tattoos/piercings/dyed hair? I’ve always wanted to get [accoutrement of choice], but I wasn’t sure it’d look good on me. Do you think I could pull it off?
Hi, can I get your opinion on something? My friend says hot dogs aren’t a sandwich. What do you think?
Hi, I see you all the time. How come we don’t know each other? Are you avoiding me? (Make sure you say it in an obviously jokey way or it could come off wrong.)
Hi, I really like your [interesting accessory/piece of clothing]. Where’d you get it?
The more you talk to girls, the less scary it should feel, and you can eventually move on to exciting topics like flirting and asking her out (Maybe we’ll dive more into this next week.) But first, go on and get the ball rolling. Find out her name and what she does when she’s not in school/work. You can do it because you’re cool and savvy, right? Right.
Dear Anna,
For years, my husband talked about how exciting it would be to have a threesome with another man. After many, many conversations and extensive planning, including me specifically asking what excited him about seeing me with another man, etc., we finally decided to try it, found a third and brought his fantasy to life. Only now he’s hurt and angry because I enjoyed myself. I don’t know what to do now because this was pretty much all for him and now he’s making me feel like I did something wrong. Did I? — Thought Husband Really Excited by Everything
Dear THREE,
You didn’t do anything wrong. You were thoughtful. You planned. You communicated. You executed. You even had a good time! (Which, even though you say this was mostly for him, I’m glad your pleasure wasn’t discounted.)
That your husband’s fantasy didn’t align with the reality is not on you. At all. You can’t control anyone else’s feelings or responses. And you shouldn’t. So what do you do now that the damage has been done? You keep communicating. You reiterate your commitment to him/each other. And you agree to not do that again.
You learn from it, in other words.
If he’s making you feel bad about being a game and willing partner, that’s not OK, and he needs to learn to better manage his emotions. That’s not something that happens without a lot of self-awareness and work, however. You might want to seek a few sessions with a sex-positive therapist to work out the lingering kinks (sorry) of this only-fun-for-two threesome.
But stop beating yourself up for helping to make your partner’s fantasy come true. You didn’t ruin your marriage. Give it time and reassurance and if he ever asks again, tell him you’re going to keep all sex fantasies in your heads.
