Dear Anna,
I want to break up with my boyfriend of four months. Every time I try though, he cries and asks a thousand questions I don’t have the answers to, then somehow talks me into giving him another chance. I’m tired of this! How do I end it for good? — Still Tryin’a Understand Chickens— Key
Dear STUCK,
Do it over the phone, so you can swiftly hang up after you’ve said your piece. Tell him, “It’s not working and I want no further contact with you.” Don’t stay on the line to listen to him whine — it’s not your problem anymore. (It never was.) When he texts or calls back or otherwise tries to manipulate you into getting back together (and make no mistake, he will), IGNORE HIM. Block him if he keeps it up. (Or block him preemptively.) This is the “key” you’re missing. You’ve gotta back your words up with actions or they amount to nothing.
Stay strong and good luck.
Dear Anna,
My boyfriend is 10 years older than me — I’m 26 now. We met when I was 18. I’m 100% happy with him and in love, but because we met when I was so young, I can’t help but feel like I missed out on sowing my wild oats. He’s the only one I’ve ever had sex with. When I told him about my struggles, he offered to let me have a one-night stand or take a break or even date another guy — he just wants me to be happy, which ironically made me feel even guiltier for wanting to explore other people and options. Do I stay with him and always wonder what other sex would be like or do I break things off? — Stop Thinking About Youth Or Risk Going On
Dear STAYORGO,
Wait, your boyfriend is giving you the option of sowing your wild oats and you’re still looking at it like you have to either break up or be miserable in your monogamy. Why aren’t you considering the third option — to open your relationship up? You’ve been together for eight years now, so you’re well established, and your boyfriend even suggested some options for you to try. Take him up on them! Or if the thought of venturing out alone terrifies you, try exploring your sexualities together.
Seriously. This is the best-case scenario here. Most people’s partners would shut that conversation down quick, but yours didn’t. Now is your chance to leap into the great sexy unknown while being safely tethered to your loving, secure relationship.
I’m not saying it’s easy — every relationship model requires honesty, unflinching communication and emotional maturity — but other options do exist and you owe it to yourself to try them before entertaining doomsday scenarios, or breaking up with your partner when you’re pretty darn happy.
Read "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino for a good, easy-to-understand primer that covers every kind of openness you can think of, from swinging to solo poly to ethical non-monogamy to being a poly parent.
Dear Anna,
My girlfriend of four months dumped me out of the blue, saying she needs to take “time to herself.” We’re both in our early 20s so I kind of get it, but is it dumb to hold out hope that she’ll see the error of her ways and come back to me? — Holding Onto Past Expectations
Dear HOPE,
It’s not dumb. It’s a very human inclination, and a coping mechanism we attempt to use to deflect the pain of being broken up with. That pain is real and it sucks.
That said, even if she does, by some strange turn of events, decide to un-breakup with you at some future date, you should still move on now. Denial can be a useful survival tactic when used in the short-term — it’s a form of self-protection, after all. But it can also cause us, if left to run free for too long, to become stuck in a false version of reality where we no longer accept the glaring truths of our lives.
So, give yourself some time and space to feel bummed about the breakup, then carry on with your life as a newly single person. It’s a good time for it. Slutty season (aka spring) is just around the bend and is the time when literal and metaphorical thawing cracks the earth open.
Crane your head in the direction of the light.
