Dear Anna,
I need some advice on what to get my boyfriend for Christmas. We've been together for a year and a half and when I ask him what he would like, he responds with "You don't have to get me anything." But I want to get him something! Any help is appreciated. Thank you. — Giving Is Freaking Tiring
Dear GIFT,
The road to hell is paved with candles that smell like sugary despair. And panic over finding the “perfect” gifts for those we care about, especially during the holidays. But don’t fret! Here are some tips for being a more thoughtful gift-giver.
First, don’t ask the person what they want. That puts the labor on the giftee to figure out what to get them, and takes the wind out of your gifty sails, which is the last thing you want. (I think, anyway. Kind of lost myself with that sailing metaphor.)
The cliche “it’s the thought that counts” really does matter when it comes to gift-giving. If you spend $100 buying fancy teas for someone who doesn’t drink tea, you’ve missed the mark. So knowing the person you’re shopping for is the first hurdle to overcome.
How do you do that?
Prep in advance
Keep a running list on your phone (or a notebook, if you’re old-school) for gift ideas throughout the year. People talk about what they like and don’t like all the time! When they do, pay attention and write it down. It’ll be super helpful when it comes time to get your gifts on. (People also tend to express these likes/dislikes on social media. So feel free to comb their feeds for ideas, if you’re not sure where to start.)
Avoid generic lists
We’ve all done it, but trying to pick a gift for someone you love based on demographic data almost never works. Why? Because those lists are intentionally generic and thinly veiled ads for bourgie bedsheets. How many “dads” actually need a statement mug saying how much their wife nags them about golf? How many “10 year olds” actually want STEM projects disguised as toys? Do “men” even have other desires besides whiskey and beard oil?
NOT ACCORDING TO THESE LISTS.
Think about needs vs. wants
Sometimes prioritizing what someone needs is better than prioritizing what they want. Needs-based gifts tend to be branded as unsexy, but some of the hottest gifts I’ve ever received have been insanely practical. Like, I don’t even know if it’s gravitationally possible to not drop trou after a partner changes the oil in your car.
Even socks, which are considered the red-headed stepchild of gifts, can be an amazing present if your loved one literally has holes in every pair.
Another (zero-cost) example: If your partner hates a certain household chore, then do that chore for them for a month. (Or a year if you’re really going for the gold.) Then leave them a little note that’s like, “I know you hate unloading the dishwasher, so use this coupon to take a load off, on me.”
Cheats
—Make something: Do you make bomb-ass brownies? Are you an amigurumi wunderkind? Do you draw or write poetry or make amazing mixtapes (or playlists, as I believe they’re now called #getoffmylawn)? Any of these can be an awesome gift, particularly if your loved one has expressed admiration for any of your particular talents.
If you don’t have the time to make everyone brownies, then put together brownie kits of the dry ingredients in a nice jar. Put a ribbon on that bish and bam, you’re the queen of thoughtful gifts.
—Buy something handmade: Do you have an inside joke or phrase with someone that never fails to crack you up? Go to Etsy and put that shizz on a doily or cross-stitch or have it made into wall art.
—Books: Giving away books is one of my favorite gift ideas — because it’s personal, free, you’re sharing a work of art that moved you and you’re helping authors in the process. Make it reciprocal by doing a book swap, then level up with a book discussion once you’ve both read yours, and bam! You’ve now added quality time to your gift-giving love language mastery.
—Experiences: Experience gifts are great because they’re unique, give the gift of “presence,” and the high lasts so much longer than, say, from the frying pan your uncle bought you. (No disrespect to frying pans.) Brainstorm a few things your giftee likes. Sushi? Wine? Swing dancing? Hiking? Travel? Utopian sci-fi? Then go online and see if any experiences can be tailored to match those interests. Or you could just scroll through experience sites themselves and see if anything strikes your giftee’s fancy. A few to try are Atlas Obscura (and Gastro Obscura for food), Airbnb experiences, Groupon and Get Your Guide.
Now that you’ve read this, give yourself the gift of a trophy. Then get cracking.
