Dear Anna,
I’m in a fairly new BDSM situation and we haven’t met in person yet. We do D/s sessions over the phone, video and text. He’s very caring and thus far I have no big concerns. Except that, after we have our sessions, I feel kind of abandoned and lonely and full of anxiety. I’m not used to being this vulnerable and then hanging up!
Should I even expect any aftercare, especially if our sessions are just online and not even physical? I’m also somewhat scared to ask for aftercare because we’re not in a relationship and I don’t want to come across as clingy. Any help is appreciated. — Shouldn’t Undermine Boundaries
Dear SUB,
Aftercare — that is, the emotional, physical, and/or psychological wind-down routine given to one or all parties at the end of a kink scene — is a pretty standard practice for BDSM play, whether you’re in a long-term relationship or have just met at a party (or online).
Depending on the intensity, intimacy and elements of danger (whether real or perceived), kinky play can lead to a number of mixed emotions, high-highs, low-lows and nervous system crashes. So, it’s not surprising that you are feeling things, even from a virtual session.
Sometimes aftercare can be as simple as checking in. For others it’s more involved, with verbal reassurance, affection, processing, tending to any physical needs (hydrating, eating, cleaning yourself) and so on. Others might want to be left alone, to do something low-key, like watch a trashy show or go for a walk.
So, by all means, tell him how you’ve been feeling, get clear on what kind of aftercare you might like, and then ask your dom for some virtual wind-downs after you play. It’s not “clingy” at all. And he might need it, too. (It’s often overlooked that dominant partners benefit from aftercare, but it goes both ways.) He might not be able to give you a massage or feed you pad thai, but he can certainly sit with you for a while, talk you down from any anxiety, shame or loneliness you’re feeling, and reassure you that you’re not being abandoned.
Good luck, SUB.
P.S. Aftercare is pretty standard practice for a lot of kinds of sex, come to think of it. If you like to talk, cuddle, reaffirm how awesome and hot it was, eat a snack or binge a show post-sex, you’re doing aftercare.
Dear Anna,
Is rebounding ever a good idea? — Wondering And Also Heartbroken
Dear WAAH,
No experience is ever qualitatively “good” or “bad” — those are subjective judgments we attach to experiences after they’ve happened to give them meaning or justification. However, if I’m correctly deducing your real question, which is — if rebounding has made me feel crappy in the past, will it still be crappy during this most recent heartbreak, or will it be the same? — then my answer is as follows.
If rebounding has made you feel consistently crappy, then that’s likely not going to change and you shouldn’t do it. You should take the time, space and care that you need to heal.
But, if you don’t have much data on this — if perhaps, you’ve rebounded once or twice and the results were mixed — then it might be worth trying a few more times for the sake of experimentation and to further your self-knowledge.
Sometimes a short, shallow, physically gratifying relationship can be satisfying. And other times, it does more harm than good. You know you far better than I do, so listen to you on this one.
Dear Anna,
Welp, I did the thing everyone said not to do and started dating my best friend. Two months in and it’s obvious it’s not going to work out. What the hell do I do now? — Boring Expected Scenario That Is Exhausting
Dear BESTIE,
Hope that they’re feeling the same way as you, and end it. (End it, regardless. As soon as possible.) Then, give yourselves time and space to heal — don’t treat them like a best friend while the healing is happening. You’re still pretty new in the romantic department, so you might not have to cut them off entirely. But then again, you might. It depends on how your former friend/current lover feels about you and how they cope with breakups generally. Many people need time and space to adjust to change.
Dear Anna,
I called my girlfriend by the wrong name. It wasn’t during sex, but she’s understandably pissed. How do I make it up to her? — In The Dog House
Dear ITDH,
Tell her that you misnaming her is proof that you care about her. (Science says!)
Or, you know, just apologize and try not to do it again.
