My 3-year relationship is over. She said she loved me but wasn’t “in love” with me. I’m so confused and hurt. She says she still wants to be in each other’s lives, but 1) is that just a line people say? 2) What do I do? 3) How can someone suddenly stop being “in love” with a person? What is it about that little word “in” that makes all the difference? 4) How do I stop having feelings for her? 5) How can I be “in her life” without hurting myself? — Fresh Off The Dump Truck
Dear FOTDT,
1. It is a line people say, yes, but it doesn’t mean your ex isn’t being sincere about wanting you to be a part of her life. Eventually.
2. What you do is let yourself grieve fully and completely. You do that by giving yourself three things: time, space and self-reflection. (Don’t skip this last one. Don’t skip any of them, actually.) Time is the worst component because no one ever knows how long it will take to grieve the loss of a relationship with someone they loved. You can’t skip ahead when you’re bored or hyperventilating, and you can’t slow it down when you find yourself suddenly enjoying a random moment of joy and forgetfulness. Which you will.
But time is also incredibly reliable. You will move because there is literally no other choice. Time keeps going whether we want it to or not. Trust in that, and know that each second passing means your pain is diminishing a tiny little bit. You might not feel it, but take comfort in the fact that it’s happening and is as true as the heart knocking against your ribs.
Space means physical and emotional distance from your ex. This is the absolute hardest part for most people because you’ve built your life around this one person for the last three years and now all of those habits and comforts and routines are worthless. You have to go at it alone for the next little while. You have to build new habits and rely on yourself (and friends and family and community) to ensure you feel loved.
Remember that you were a whole person before you met her and you are still a whole person now. Our lives are long, but our attention spans are short. You are stronger and more independent than you remember.
The fastest way to take space is to cease all communication with your ex. If that’s too hard, give yourself a deadline. Thirty days, say, or 90. If you slip up, get back on that wagon. Nothing is permanent, least of all your grief.
Self-reflection means to gaze deeply at yourself, your life goals, your moral compass. It can take the form of long walks or meditation or journaling or self-help books or therapy or all of these at once. It means looking at the great arc of your time on earth and realizing that this one relationship was just one event on your life’s radar. It means asking yourself big questions and taking calculated risks, and tapping into parts of yourself you may have neglected while in a relationship. We all have things and people that cobweb over when we are in the thrall of romance. Rekindle friendships, restart self-care regimens, rework creative endeavors you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t yet.
3. Falling out of love is never as “sudden” as people make it out to be. In truth, she had probably been thinking about it for a while, questioning her feelings, wondering what to do. This has nothing to do with you, though, so don’t take it personally or blame yourself. Three years is a solid chunk of time and you gave it your best shot. It’s not a reflection on you that it didn’t work out. Most things don’t.
The phrase “in love” versus simply “love” is semantically meaningless. I encourage you to not ponder it too deeply. Some people use the “in” to justify behaviors or decisions, but the truth is far more complicated than can be summed up in a preposition.
4. You might never stop having feelings for your ex, but your crazy-making, agony-type feelings will definitely subside sooner or later. It depends on how much of the time/space/self-reflection prescription you follow, as well as sheer, dumb luck.
5. You can be “in her life” by taking as much time as you need to feel okay, for starters. My litmus test is this: If I can think of an ex with someone else and be genuinely happy for them, then I’m ready to be friendly again. It might vary for you, but in general, it’s a good question to ask yourself.
When you feel ready to broach a tentative trust with her again, go slow and create boundaries. You might need to agree to not discuss new dating partners or to limit the amount of time or physical affection between the two of you. If anything feels icky or stabby, listen to those feelings and go back to taking space. All relationships are a process, and going from romantic partners to friends is a process as well. Change, adapt, grow, feel things out, assess, change again, etc.
Also know that you don’t have to be in your ex’s life at all if you don’t want to. If, in your self-reflection, your heart is like, HARD PASS, then screw it.
Good luck, Fresh. It’s going to be fine.
