Dear Anna,
I’m a cis woman and my partner is nonbinary/trans. Lately, with the deluge of news stories about anti-trans bills and conservatives trying to strip trans people of their rights, my partner goes into regular depression spirals. I know they want to stay informed, but I feel like reading constant terrible news stories is not helping anything. Is there anything I can do to better support them? — Absolute Loving Loyalty, Yes
Dear ALLY,
It's been heart-wrenching to see the constant flood of anti-trans news stories and proposed bills that threaten the well-being of the queer and trans communities — 340 anti-LGBTQ bills and 150 specifically anti-trans bills thus far, the highest on record, according to the Human Rights Campaign. Such attacks can feel deeply personal, overwhelming and acutely painful, even if you don’t live in the states that are trying to harm queer and trans people.
While I’ll give my usual caveat that you can’t change anyone’s behavior but your own, especially when it comes to your partner’s news-reading, you can gently encourage better habits and be a source of, as therapists say, unconditional positive regard.
How can you do that? Connect with others in similar situations. TransgenderPartners.com has an extensive list of resources for what they call SOFFAS, significant others, friends, family and allies of trans people. There’s also the subreddit r/mypartneristrans. If you find something great or inspiring or hopeful, share it with your partner. Validation and understanding can be a huge source of strength and hope.
Back to the toxic news cycle: Yes, limiting your exposure to negative news stories is probably the easiest way to reduce feelings of anxiety and helplessness. (Yet, it’s extremely difficult for people to stop.) Your mental and emotional well-being is, in my opinion, far more important than knowing 100% of the garbage fires blazing in the world, so take breaks when necessary and build better boundaries about how much trauma news you consume each day.
And, as in the above paragraph, it’s helpful to seek out uplifting stories about trans resilience, thriving and humor. There are so, so many! An extremely short sample includes: good-news site goodgoodgood.co, Charlotte Clymer’s Substack/podcast, Charlotte’s Web Thoughts, Alok Vaid-Menon’s inspiring and quite funny Instagram account @alokvmenon, Chella Man (a deaf/trans/Jewish/Chinese artist), and actress/model/body positive activist Jari Jones (@iamjarijones). While your partner might not change their news habits, you can share and send them hopeful videos, photos or quotes as you come across them, to help dampen the blaze.
It's also important to make sure you’re getting your self-care on — that means eating well, sleeping enough and moving your body, and, if you’re able, nudging your partner to do the same. Taking care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally makes coping with the stress and trauma much easier.
To quote Charlotte Clymer, “... it’s okay to acknowledge the seriousness of this era while taking advantage of the moments of joy that come our way.”
If the usual tactics don’t help alleviate the situation, especially if their depression is recurrent or prolonged, your partner might want to seek professional support, if they don’t already. Again, it’s ultimately their decision, but if they’re open to it you can help research and find a list of mental health professionals who specialize in supporting trans individuals.
Lastly, taking action to support the trans community can help you when you’re feeling wallowy and dejected, and makes a positive difference. Whether it's volunteering, donating (even if it’s $5) or advocating for trans rights on your own feeds or channels, remember that your voice and actions matter.
TL;DR: The world is far more complex and hopeful than we give it credit for. Most media stories exist to tell you everything horrible that’s happening. It’s not the whole story. Fill your world with as much nourishment and hope as you can stand.
Feed yourself.
P.S. Watch Ari Drennen’s stunning takedown.
P.P.S. Read the poem “Good Bones” by Maggie Smith
