Dear Anna,
Straight, 33-year-old woman here. Getting married to a 34-year-old man in a few months. My fiance is planning his bachelor party and wants one last night of freedom — basically he wants a free pass to get either a blow job or hand job before we embark on a life of monogamy.
I am okay with him getting a lap dance or touching the dancers a little, but this seems like crossing a line. Is there some kind of bachelor code of ethics I’m unfamiliar with? — It’s Disturbing On Nine Tiers
Dear IDONT,
He’s getting married, not going to prison. If the boundaries of your relationship don’t involve paid handies or blowies in normal circumstances, then why would those boundaries suddenly not apply, even if just for one night? What sense does that make?
So yes, of course a hand job/blow job crosses a line. I understand wanting a night of debauchery with friends, drinking too much and having a good time, but a bachelor party is not an excuse to be sh—ty or unfaithful or act in ways you know would upset the person you’re (presumably) excited to spend the rest of your life with. Bachelor/bachelorette parties are supposed to be a celebration of the excitement and commitment you feel toward each other. Not: “How much can I get away with?”
I’m also assuming you’re not the first and only person he’s had sex with, which means he’s had half a lifetime’s worth of “freedom” to explore sex with other people (whether paid or otherwise). And again, marriage isn’t penis jail!
Bachelor parties have actually been around since before the fifth century B.C. Back then, Spartans celebrated the groom’s last night of singledom with … a nice dinner, and toasts to him. Things have clearly changed in the last several millennia, but still, pre-wedding fears (if that is, indeed, what’s happening here) are no excuse to break the agreed-upon boundaries of your relationship.
There’s no “code of ethics” for bachelor parties. Principles of morality apply to each individual person, and apparently for your fiance, they involves a night of paid, guilt-free sex with a stranger. In his defense, I guess he is asking, which is slightly better than doing it and not telling you. (This very accusation has led to several high-profile celebrity breakups, including Paris Hilton and Paris Latsis, Mario Lopez and Ali Landry, and Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.)
Have you asked him how he would feel if you made such a request? Would he be cool if you treated yourself to a spa day, followed by enthusiastic cunnilingus from a strapping young Adonis?
For the record, I do think it’s important to have these kinds of conversations before getting married. If you haven’t had a lengthy talk about what you both consider cheating, do so now, so no “miscommunications” occur, either at the party or later. Bottom line: Have a frank discussion about what’s OK and what’s not OK at said bachelor/bachelorette parties. Then the only code of ethics you need to worry about is the one you build together.
