Dear Anna,
What about a married man that watches transgender porn? — Concerns
Dear Concerns,
Well, what of it? You’ll have to be more specific in your concerns, Concerns. I will venture a guess, however, as I get these kinds of questions not infrequently from straight, cis women worried that the porn habits of their straight, cis husbands mean that they’re not as straight (or cis) as they make themselves out to be.
It’s an understandable question. We tend to think of fantasies as being pretty (pardon the pun) straightforward: Straight Guy + Straight Porn = Happy Ending.
The trouble is that porn habits are a terrible way to assess something as complex as desire, sexuality or gender identity. This is, in part, because fantasies can’t (and shouldn’t) be taken at face value. As Esther Perel put it in "Mating in Captivity," “[Fantasies are] complex psychic creations whose symbolic content mustn’t be translated into literal intent. Think poetry, not prose.”
The things that turn us on don’t always align with who we are, what we care about, or even what we want in reality. Hence, the lesbians who watch gay male porn. Or the powerful CEO who wants to be dominated. Or the sexual assault survivor who fantasizes about forced sex. Or the happily married housewife who gets off thinking about seducing the UPS driver.
Our erotic imaginations allow us a chance to temporarily escape, to transcend the ties that bind us in our everyday lives (including sexuality and gender identity), and in some cases to be the politically incorrect, the naughty, the taboo versions of ourselves that we’re not allowed to be in the real world.
Is your husband attracted to trans women? Maybe. But his porn habits alone aren’t proof of, well, anything other than he enjoys watching trans porn.
All that said, can you learn anything about a married man from his porn-viewing habits? Sometimes! Are you able to broach the subject with a sense of curiosity, respect, and to let it go if he doesn’t want to tell you about it?
Fantasies can be intensely private and inspire vulnerability, and not everyone wants to shout them from the rooftops. If we think we’ll be judged for our fantasies, we’re less likely to be forthcoming about them. So such a conversation might backfire and lead him deeper into not talking about it or outright denying it.
The real question I think you’re asking is: Can my husband really desire me if his fantasies include women who aren’t like me at all?
To which I would reply: Of course! Having an active fantasy life doesn’t necessarily detract from the desire a person has for their flesh-and-blood partner. Indeed, such fantasies might even help bolster desire for their partner.
For more substantial answers and reassurance, however, you’re gonna have to go to the source: Your husband.
Best of luck.
