Dear Anna,
My girlfriend and I are monogamous and happy and love each other. So why does the thought of watching her have sex with another girl turn me on so much? — Effed-Up Fantasies
Dear EUF,
You remind me of a friend of mine who is a mom who can’t curse even around other adults. She says fudge a lot, as in, “Have you thought about quantum mechanics? It’s a total mindfudge.”
Anyway. You’re not effed up, EUF. And neither are your fantasies.
The thought of your monogamous girlfriend having sex with another woman turns you on because it’s a fantasy, and fantasies do not have to align with reality (that’s kind of their whole jam). It turns you on because it lets you be a voyeur and a participant and because it’s like your own private, dirty movie. It turns you on because the idea of two women together is pretty universally considered hot. There’s a reason lesbian porn is one of the most popular categories on tube sites year after year after year. It’s not because of the mise-en-scene.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of or weirded out by. Enjoy the fantasies! Share them with your girlfriend if you like. She might think it’s hot too, and then it’ll be something else that’s fun for you to be turned on by. If she doesn’t think it’s hot, then no biggie. You just keep on enjoying them yourself.
Also, you should practice getting comfortable with “dirty” words. Not because I want you to be crass, but because it will help you get more comfortable expressing your sexual desires in general. Learn how to articulate what you like, even quietly to yourself, and you’ll have an easier time communicating them to your partner in the moment.
Plus, your dirty talk will soar. “I want to eff you so bad” sounds fudged up.
———
Dear Anna,
How do I gain sexual confidence when I have so little sexual experience? — Dazed and Confused
Dear DAC,
Confidence comes from within, not from what goes in you.
But honestly, you make up for lack of experience with a little humor, a lot of enthusiasm and a willingness to try things out of your comfort zone (within reason). Some people even find lack of experience refreshing. A former ladyfriend was once in bed with a gentleman caller, attempting to share with him how he might help facilitate an orgasm. He ignored her requests, instead saying, “I have a system!”
Don’t be that guy, DAC. Be curious. Listen. Learn. And if that fails, go down on her for a really long time.
