Did you know May is Masturbation Month? Originally it was Masturbation Day, started by sex toy and education retailer Good Vibrations, in honor of Dr. Joycelyn Elders. Elders, who served as U.S. surgeon general in the '90s, was forced to resign for suggesting that masturbation be included in sexual health curriculums. So, in honor of Elders and masturbation in general, here’s some advice on jackin’, jillin’, juicin’ and goosin’ it.
Dear Anna,
I’m 16 and have recently started masturbating. I’ve been rubbing my clitoris, and did try to finger myself, but more than one finger didn’t really fit and really hurt me. How else can I masturbate? And is there any way that I can fit more than one finger? — Too Scared To Ask Anyone Else
Dear TSTAAE,
Congratulations on your newfound journey! There’s never a bad time to start learning and exploring your body and I’m glad you’re taking some space to get to know what brings you pleasure. One thing I’ll say right off the bat is if something hurts, don’t force it, especially when it comes to penetration. The reason it (likely) hurt to insert more than one finger was because you weren’t wet enough or turned on enough. Your vagina produces lubrication when you’re turned on to make penetration a little easier. Sometimes natural lubrication is not enough, however, even if you’re super aroused. That’s where lube comes in. (If you don’t have access to lube, you can also use baby oil or cooking oil in a pinch — it’s just messier. And, well, fine, it can be a little distracting when your genitals smell like canola. But work with what you got!)
Also, you don’t need to finger yourself at all. Most vulva owners (73%, according to the landmark Hite Report) rely exclusively on external stimulation — aka clit rubbing — during masturbation, usually on their backs. Some prefer to do it on their stomachs. But very few people (1.5%) rely on penetration alone to orgasm during masturbation.
You could also try rubbing up against a pillow or a bunched up blanket (or, if it’s not weird for you, a stuffie — see the next question!). You could give a bathtub faucet or a detachable shower head a whirl — some people like the direct sensation of warm running water on their clits. A small percentage also like to masturbate by rubbing their thighs together, which seems like such a Jedi move. Master that and you could, theoretically, come during any number of boring occasions.
Other masturbation techniques to try include using a vibrator. If you’re too embarrassed to ask your parents for one or don’t have a credit card, see this previous column for workarounds. You could even experiment using the vibration on your phone — though make sure to clean it well before putting it near your nether bits.
There’s also butt play and breast play — many people incorporate sensations from other areas of the body to aid in their pleasure during solo play. With one hand on your clit, try massaging these other erogenous zones with the other hand. The perineum (aka the skin between your vaginal opening and anus) is loaded with nerve endings and can feel nice when stroked.
That should give you plenty of fodder to try for the next few months. Good luck!
Dear Anna,
My daughter is 5 and has started to discover masturbation. Specifically, she’ll put a stuffed animal between her legs and writhe around a bit. She does this everywhere, in public, and at other people’s houses. My husband and I don’t know how to talk to her about it, without making her feel weird or like she’s doing something wrong. Any advice is appreciated. — Sex-Positive Parent
Dear SPP,
It’s so great that you’re thinking about your daughter’s needs and that you want pleasure to be a normal, healthy part of her life (which it is!). Though such conversations are awkward, you should emphasize that what she’s doing is perfectly OK, but that it needs to be done in private. Some people like to use a bathroom analogy — in the same way that we pee and poop alone in the bathroom, touching our genitals is something we also do in private.
I’d have this conversation with her sooner than later, and not while you’re, like, at grandma’s or the playground. Though if she forgets and does it in public again, you can gently remind her what you talked about and that she can do it later, in her room.
Dear Anna,
Hello! I’m a 27-year-old straight female. I enjoy partner sex a great deal but the only way I can reliably come is if I get myself off — usually with a vibrator but I can get there with a hand too. I just started seeing this new guy and haven’t brought it up to him. How do I bring up that I need to jerk off during sex without hurting his feelings? — Just Educating or Really a Killjoy?
Dear JERK,
Not a killjoy in the slightest. If masturbating during sex is what you need to get off (and in turn, make partner sex more enjoyable), then that’s what you need. And it’s a pretty small request really — which can likely be accomplished with some slight angle or position adjustments to accommodate hands or toys.
You also don’t need permission to touch yourself during sex — you can do it whenever you want! It’s hot and any sex partner worth their salt wants sex to feel good for you, too, even if their dick can’t get you there.
You might want to start there. Pick an on-top position or any where you can comfortably reach your clit, get into a good rhythm, and then lend yourself a hand.
When it comes to sex conversations that are vulnerable, I like to lead with a compliment. Let him know you’re having a great time learning about him and his body, and then invite him to learn more about you by telling him what gets you off. Offer a few positions or toys that work for you and ask if he’d like to try them.
If he has no interest or reacts badly, then take that as a warning sign that this is someone who’s not invested in your sexual pleasure, and as such, you shouldn’t be interested in his.
