One of my dearest friends is now my boss, and it’s really hard. I feel I have to keep to myself things I used to tell him because I don’t want to look vulnerable in front of him any more. And jealousy comes in, too. Why him and not me? I love my job, but I don’t see how I can be a friend and an employee.
I truly believe that friendship and professional relationships simply don’t mix. While certainly there are examples where the double-dynamic is harmonious, more often than not it is set up to be the opposite. And here’s why: the boundaries we have in personal relationships are softer, more diffuse – there is usually a mutual vulnerability. With professional dynamics, the boundaries are more pronounced, and rightly so. Intimacy is often simply not appropriate, and could actually compromise the task at hand. There is the potential for hiring or firing, promoting or not promoting, holiday approvals, delegations, accountability, supervisions… And that’s before money comes in to play.
In friendship, ideally, the roles are egalitarian. There is an entirely different agenda. When these two very different dynamics of work and friendship come up against each other the question often arises: what is more important – our friendship or this professional relationship?
For me, the former would often trump the latter, especially if that relationship started out as a friendship. So I have made it my policy that I don’t mix the two. And if I do decide to work with a friend, I have to be clear that I am completely OK with their simply being a colleague or an employee (certainly a friendly one) – but that ours will be a professional relationship nonetheless. It makes for fewer complications, less awkwardness, and avoids entirely the grief of a friendship coming to an end because we didn’t see any of these complications coming.
You would need to decide which is more important to you – your friendship or your job. And once you have made that choice, try having a heart-to-heart with your boss, which would ideally clear the air. Once you have committed to being either a passionate employee or a good friend, you will find the delineation creates great relief, in my experience.
• Alanis Morissette’s podcast is available at iTunes and at alanis.com. Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to Alanis Morissette at ask.alanis@theguardian.com
